after so long, i have decided to revive this blog. it is like an online journal of my life. it is ramadhan and i am having my 'cuti' hence missing tarawih.

8.1.13

Masih mencuba untuk tidak mengharap penghargaan manusia. Berusaha mencari redha Allah.

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3.1.13

Life is about making choices.
You are responsible for your own decison.
You are responsible for your own action.
You are responsible for your own happiness.
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24,11,12

Teingin nak pi honeymung. Dah xx years overdue. I will stop talking about it, though. I received the message loud and clear.

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12.11.12

Am I insecure? The question crossed my mind recently. I have been keeping track of the hubby online activities, constantly checking his whereabout and discovering disturbing info along the way. I insist that I am not jealous. I am just pissed off.
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Ok, I am taking the cue and will act accordingly...
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:)

mak oii...lama sungguh tak singgah blog ni. so many things happened. my relationship with husband surprisingly is "improving" hehe...

starting from this year,i have decided to do a few things differently :))

i am making the effort to spend more time with husband! like how? like these...

+++ to jog with him every weekend ie saturdays and sundays
+++ to have breakfast with him after jogging
+++ to go out and have dinner with him from time to time
+++ to ber"istighfar" loudly whenever he does something that irks me :)
+++ to just listen to him eventhough i may not agree with what he is saying :)

nowadays, i cannot wait for the weekend to arrive. i look forward to spending sometime alone with husband.

sayang

I attended a motivational talk by a well-known speaker. Something that she said kind of stuck in my head. 'siapa yang suami tak sayang, Allah tak sayang dia' . Hmm...macam tu ye. I am pretty sure that husband does not love me. He said to me once, 'I don't like you!' I assume if you dont like somebody, it is difficult for you to love the person. Poor me... I am definitely at the losing end here :(
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Lunch @RnR

We stopped by at the RnR for lunch. My girls followed me. I bought nasi, ikan goreng, sayur and sambal belacan with kuah ikan patin. I dont like the ikan patin. The girls kept on asking, cukup ke duit ma? Cukup, sayang. My food cost RM6. Girl 1 just had nasi and sayur with kuah asam pedas, RM2. Share ikan goreng ma, she said. Girl 2 had ma**i hotcup for RM2. Habis RM10. Then I minta duit untuk beli air. Rupanya, husband just gave RM10. I thought he gave us RM20. No wonder my girls kept asking if the money was enough for our meals. Haha..baru I faham. Husband said, RM5 sorang. Sampai hati not to include me in the matematik.
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It saddens me when Husband does not appreciate what I am doing for the family. He keeps on saying that I am kedekut pahit. Well, I dont think I am kedekut. I makes me sad and sakit hati when he kept on repeating that infront of my children. Well, it is alright if he never says thank you, but dont lah keep on repeating 'your mother is kedekut'. I dont like to mengungkit and when I do something I dont blow my own trumpet. At the same time I dont like it when people take me for granted. Hahh...
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Money Talk

This month is going to be a difficult month for me. Money wise that is. The annual insurance premium for the children, replacement of the tyres for the car, spending spree for the children during school holidays. I also bought a property recently. I have to dig into my savings as the amount is touching 150K. For a person like me that is a lot. Alhamdulillah, I dont have to 'borrow' my children's money. That would be the last resort though. The investment I made using the little money that I have is beginning to show some good returns ;) Thanks to Honey, my exclassmate who acts as my financial advisor. I feel comfortable talking about money issues with Honey as she helps me with the financial planning for my children. I want them to start saving and investing early. I am trying to help them have a good head start in life. At least kalau nak kawin tu(for my boy) adalah duit. Takut nanti nak kawin tak berduit- buat maksiat pulak....
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STRESS

I am confused. Is my daughter watching the final match between Harimau Malaya and Garuda Muda or the final of Maharaja Lawak? She is laughing non stop throughout the game. Is that a sign of stress?
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congrats

husband got a promotion. he showed me the letter.
apparently, he is ecstatic about it.

hmm...
i don't feel a thing.

well, i am happy for him. indeed i am.
cuma tak ada bezanya.
it is not that husband is going to give me ANY money for belanja/maintenance.
he is not going to buy me or the children any nice thing pun.
he is planning to take the family makan ikan bakar...itu je

memang tak ada apa-apa perbezaan.

anyway, congratulations husband!!!

Rumah baru

I finally bought a house. Well, the SPA has not been signed yet but I had paid the booking fee. What a relief ;))
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Hati

sakit hati kecil hati tawar hati jauh hati ambil hati takda hati
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!

I am having a sleepless night. Please help...
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Testing

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unconditional love

are parents given the option to stop caring for their children? i dont think so. if you dont like your wife, you can do something about it. if you dont like your child (perangai) he/she will always remain your child.

you cannot simply say, "i dont care about you anymore. i have done everything...now you do whatever you want..."

for me, you must never give up on your child no matter what. keep on praying that he will eventually take the correct path. always shower your child with love. let you child know that you are always there for him.

you dont go to the bank and withdrew all the savings that you have under his name...

i have this formula that all my children must have savings that is more than their age ( kalau 10 tahun, mesti ada 10K).

i am taking care of the savings of three quarter of my children and the remaing quarter is under husband's responsibility. i make sure their savings semua exceed their age including the one in college. in fact the eldest dah buat haji pun using own savings and the balance pun still lebih the age.

however, the child under husband's responsibility is not that fortunate. as a punishment for him, husband had withdrawn a big chunk of his savings. now his duit tinggal ciput aje.

i am very disappointed with husband's action. how could he?

sakit hati sesangat

i need to visit a relative tomorrow. she is having some personal problems. i asked husband's permission. he said ok. i told husband that i want to bring along my anak along.

husband said no.

i said that i want anak to teman me.

husband said, it is up to me (if i want to disobey his orders).

i told him, why not husband teman me instead.

he replied, "saya banyak kerja!"

i am very angry....angry..angry that i cried quietly.

it is so unfair!

i cant even bring my own anak to accompany me.

mimpi siang

i got an email from matp yesterday. he asked me why i was very quiet lately. i have not responded to his bbms for a long time. i just read them and immediately cleared the messages.

well, i told him that i just didn't feel like chatting (with him). that was the reason. he wasnt happy with my answer but i just dont care. gasak le.

alhamdulillah, i tersedar dari mimpi di siang hari.

i dont want to have anymore mimpis di siang hari.

basuh kain

since i diberi cuti solat, i decide to update my blog while listening to the tok imam from the nearby surau and supervising my girls studying for their ujian next week.

i am going to write about a mischievous action i just did..:))

husband is very rajin. everyday (almost) he would rendam his shirts and hand wash them. i told him it was not necessary to do that. i had bought a canggih washing machine with various functions, "soak, delicate, blanket etc....just press the right button.

hai, di antara kerja yang paling i tak suka adalah basuh/berus tangan baju dan menggosok baju.

of course, husband won't listen to me...he is adamant about hand washing his shirts. dulu masa ada maid, tak ada masaalah. bila tak bermaid..jadi masaalah le pulak.

so i just let him do it. after some times, the issue becomes something big.
so, whenever sempat, i will hand wash his shirts.

i sendiri hardly hand wash my bajus....i use the "delicate" function of the machine.

just now, i put his soaked shirts in the washing machine. by the the time he reached home from tarawih, i will already hang them to dry. actually, the suggestion to use the washing machine came from my girl.

hopefully, i won't be caught red handed, tonite!

pemalas

husband just called me "pemalas".

hmm...may be there is some truth to the statement.

earlier, he asked me what was i going to cook for berbuka. i replied that i was going to goreng ikan and masak sayur. he already brought home ayam masak merah, sambal belacan, sayur campur. plus murtabak and nasi dagang and ondeh-ondeh and 2 tubs of bubur lambuk.

i didn't see the need for me to cook something elaborate. cukup le apa yang ada. after all, i reached home at 6pm after a long hard day in the office.

buat apa nak membazir. jadi kawan syaitan.

and he called me pemalas in front of the children because i was only going to goreng ikan and tumis sayur. tak patut sungguh :(

i programmed my brain to just ignore the statement though deep down i was so geram.

i just kept quiet.

outing

i had a very nice outing with my kids today. as usual husband was busy to tag along. we had a splendid time, nevertheless. we went shopping at KL**. i bought myself some nice stuff. things that i really like. seronoknya. i desperately needed the shopping therapy. i am feeling much better now...smiling from ear to ear :)

Selamat Menyambut NISFU SYAABAN
semoga diberkati ALLAH sentiasa.

a stalker i am

yes, i just stalked my xbf in fb. the one i saw recently at the mall. yes, the one wearing ketayap. hehe..

apparently he has been very busy. busy busy busy. from his wall post, i found out that he is quite active politically. yes, at the other side of the fence. interesting. i bet he attended the bersih rally.

banyak le post post tazkirah yang i baca. come to think about it, xbf had always been quite religous. he always observed the prayer times even when he visited my house when we were students abroad.

he posted this on his wall...


Wall Photos
Isteri Yg Baik

* Nikahi suaminya bukan kerana harta atau dunia
* Sentiasa sedar sy...urga dibawah tapak kaki suaminya
* Taat semua perintah suami yg bukan maksiat
* Tak bangkang kata2 suami dan tidak meninggi suara
* Meminta ampun setiap kali suami keluar pergi bekerja dan waktu pulang
* Menyediakan semua keperluan suami seperti memasak dll
* Menemani suami makan sekalipun dirinya berpuasa
* Tidak menjamah makanan melainkan setelah suami mula dahulu
* Sentiasa memasak makanan yg digemari suami
* Sentiasa berada disisi suami bila suami dirumah
* Rumah sentiasa kemas dan bersih
* Berhias hanya utk suami dgn solekan dan pakaian tercantik
* Tidak suka mengunkitSee More
By: Ustaz XXXX ( Original )


hahhh

house hunting, again?

mrG brought home pamphlet jual rumah. he gave it to my daughter. my daughter gave it to me.yes, that is how mrG communicates with me. via other people.

mrG is pushing me to buy property under my name. the house we are staying now is under his name. well, we brought it together initially. however, due to certain reason, my name was dropped from the S&P Agreement.

i always regard the house as mine, too. harta sepencarian. somehow lately i have the impression that mrG wants me to have a house under my name. as if it would be easier for him to get me out of this house if i have somewhere to go.

yes, he wants to kick me out!

hmm...what should i do?

p/s

i sold my house 2 years ago. i am basically homeless now.

greetings from faraway land

yes, i am away. far away from home. my host was kind enough to invite us (my colleague and I) to have dinner with his family. the night before, another person treated us to a nice dinner in a five star hotel.

haihai...ini macam confirm le naik berat badan.

i am going back this weekend.

i am dozing off..zzz

busy

teramat le sibuk. weekend kena pegi ofis. balik meeting di luar 6.30 ptg kena masuk ofis sampai 7.30. bukan sebab tunjuk rajin atau memang rajin. tapi terpaksa.

terjaga tengah malam pun teringat pasal kerja.

mungkin sebab bulan puasa dah dekat. banyak sangat events, meetings, appointments, deadline what nots.

InsyaAllah, it will be quieter during ramadhan. i will have time to focus on others things that have been neglected.

goodnite.

googlemap

what a tiring day. been away. just got back. had to cancel my appointment tomorrow. kena buat visa for my business trip next week. ingatkan boleh travel agent buatkan tapi was informed that the applicant kena hadir personally.

i casually asked mrG if he is free tomorrow morning. minta tolong temankan ke XHighCom. he quickly answered that he has an important meeting next monday. got a lot of things to prepare. couldn't spare his precious time. la next monday. ample time to do whatever preparation he needs. hhmmm...fine. ok.

i quickly googled map the place and have a good idea how to get there. semoga Allah permudahkan segala urusan.

i am actually "istimewa". my sense of direction is so horrible. bearing harubiru. mungkin disebabkan oleh kekuranga zat semasa kecil:)) dalam bangunan pun boleh sesat. i bought myself a gps device early this year. i seldom use. i still prefer to use the physical map.

InsyaAllah i will be ok tomorrow.

Laaa...sapa pulak offkan wifi ni...

my...my....

huhh, i just got back from my facial treat at the salon. guess who i saw on the way there...it was my very first crush, Is aka x-bf. how come i am so sure it was him?

hmm...actually i have been his stalker on fb for quite sometime. i just stop doing that for the fear of being discovered. from his fb profile pic, i know how he looks like now, a typical malay pakcik. when i saw him just now, he was wearing dark trousers and short sleeved shirt. slightly berisi that before. still very tall and still has the same deep set kuyu eyes. same mouth. how could i forget his features :). i was trying to find a parking spot and that stopped me from calling out his name. saje nak tengok menoleh ke tak!

he was wearing ketayap. yes, in his fb profile picture, he is also wearing ketayap. i guess, he has become more pious now. good. i have no intention to disturb him. from his fb profile, i know we live in the same city. i am just wondering who is he married to. i didn't get that info from his fb profile.

now what...nothing.

words of wisdom

"the most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother" words of wisdom from a wise man indeed!

berasap

eee berasapnye saya. smoke actually came out from my nose, ears and mouth. like a naga. i was so angry that i cried. normally, i cry silently. tears just roll down my cheeks. just now, i was sobbing real hard.

sabar spider. ingat Allah. banyakkan berzikir.

Selamat Hari Ibu

i had a very nice mothers day celebration. the children did some very sweet gestures. they baked me a cake and gave me some roses.

we also had potluck at my mum's place. i brought some pulut kuning and rendang pedas ayam kampung. as usual mrG was too busy to come along. he explained about his very tight schedule and the fact that he could not spare the time to join the gathering. FINE

i took my kids there. we had a pleasant trip. we enjoyed the sumptuous food and wonderful company. my mom was very happy that her children took the time to be with her on the special day. the fact that mrG was not there gave us the opportunity to spend more time with the relatives. if mrG ada, lepas makan terus balik. wajib macam tu.

when my mom and adik beradik asked why mrG did not come, i simply told them the truth. mr G was BUSY FULLSTOP

nobody asked about him anymore. they just kirim salam to him.

urghhhh....

i read my old posts....ishish. macamana boleh jadi macam tu?

how could i felt like that and wrote like that?

i am contemplating now. should i delete those posts or just let them be there? hmmm....as for now, i will let the posts be there.

semoga menjadi pengajaran di masa akan datang.

i am back

after a long hiatus, i am finally back in blogosphere. very much alive and kicking!

well, a lot had happened. one thing for sure is i am back on track. i mean on the right track. no more mooshymooshy feelings. apa guna. buat dosa kering je. seperti minum air tapi tak masih terus dahaga.

yes, i was derailed. i let my feelings and frustration got the better of me.
i kind of enjoyed the attention and whatever lah..

just let it be.

"to err is just human"

i am human.

somebody slammed his head on the wardrobe door just now. the reason being another body asked to reimbursed. sigh..sigh. dont know if it is worth it.

Stranded

i am stranded in p after missing the last flight home yesterday. instead of being miserable i chose to make the best out of the situation. after rearranging my flight, i checked nice hotel so that i could take my well deserved rest. i just had a sumptuous breakfast at the coffee house. going to the airport right after this. sent text messages updating the hubby of my situation. his responses were were 'ok, ok and ok. well....

today is the 21st of syawal. running nose. bersin tak sudah. hmmm...it is part of the aging process.

puasatime

today is the 11th of ramadhan. since it is saturday, i'm taking it easy. supervising my children belajar. i cooked mihun last night. it was good. sedaap sangat. malam ni nak masak kari ikan merah with lots of kacang bendir n terung. then buat sambal belacan and goreng ikan kembung. and sayur of course...

in the middle of nowhere

the question is "what am i doing here?" i should be home supervising my kids doing their homework and revising for the coming exams. yet, here i am. though, i am kind of enjoying my own company i cant help the guilty feeling. sigh sigh.

relive

my eldest is now a college girl. just now we sent her to her hostel. she told her father that she had spent RM250 on books. The father had earlier given her RM200 for expenses. She had used her money to cover the difference and now wanted to be reimbursed. the father freaked out. kenapa kena ganti-ganti. hmm..hmmm..

if i were given the chance to relive my life, would i choose the same life partner? it is a tough question. i love my children so much...that is all i can say.

selimut

early jun

i dont remember the date exactly. i woke up in the middle of the night shivering. tried to find my selimut but all in vain. then i went out of the bedroom and saw hubby sleeping in the family a with my selimut. how could he take my selimut? i was really geram that i cried. at first i thought of taking my revenge by grabbing the selimut from his body. but then i thought, why bother? i just took a fresh blanket from the cupboard and just let it be...

17 June

i went for breakfast with an old friend. it had been a while since the last time we had a sembang session. she shared with me the latest happenings in her life...hmm she was she same friend who had the cyberfling which i wrote about in my earlier postings.

well, she had progressed from having a virtual adventure to having it in reality. yes, she actually checked into a hotel room with her lover and "did it"

apr 21

c: hi dear, thinking of u right now. miss u so much

spider: hi syg, so nice to hear that. im home, got back frm miri last night. will let u know when i am in town. miss u always.

c: couldnt wait for the day i can see u nanti, sayang. call me when u are free. miss hearing your voice.

apr 23

spider: hi sayang. hopefully you will have the chance to come to ipoh. just thinking of u right now. miss u hon.

ring ring...i called c up from as airport

apr 25

spider: hi dear.wish we could meet up but my girl is with me. enjoy your sunday. miss u so much, dear

c: hi hon. im going to spright now for mb"s function. sun pun kerja. should be done by noon. enjoy your visit to your mom"s place. hope we can catch up later. luv u

hmmm......that was the first time c used the words " luv U"


apr 30

spider: dear, wish u were near

c: hi sayang. sorry lambat reply your last sms. anyway, miss u dearly. bye, honey.

spider: hi dear, no worries. miss u, too

hon pulak...

last night

spider: hi dear. u r on my mind.

chicago: miss u too, hon. r u in ***** now? call me when u r free.

spider: yes, dear. i'm still in **. going back tmrw night.
i will surely call u di waktu yg i rasa sesuai nanti ;))

chicago: ok hon. tried to call u just now. u didnt answer.
anyway, miss u so much. call u nanti, k.

spider: so it was u. didn't recognize the no. sorry. miss u very much too.
nantinanti i call. goodnite.

chicago: goodnite hon. sweet dreams. i'll be dreaming of u tonite.

undo...undo

there are some things that cannot be undone..sigh sigh.

i chatted via bbm with matp last night. he was in stockholm. i was all alone on a king sized bed in a posh hotel somewhere. we got carried away in our communication. reminiscing those days many-many years ago. memories of our relationship flooding back. the trips we took, the things we did. ughhh. i wish we didnt discussed all that. urghh....urghhh...what to do.

i was plain bored and just want some excitement.

in reality, i am so over him already.
he is so yesterday.

so, i have removed him from my bbm contact list...


_____________________________________________________

i miss my hubby


surprise..surprise.

i am missing my husband.

abang, saya rindu....

we'll see...

c: hi dear. thinking of u right now. hope your visit to ****will be a reality. miss u

spider: hi dear. we will see about that. would like to meet u very much. it has been so long. miss u, too

hi syg

im beat. got home just in time to catch the new season of my favorite series, desperate housewives. very interesting indeed. rindu teramat kat c.

spider: wish you were near

then,i got a missed call from him.

spider: hi dear,sorry that i missed your call. i assumed it was u...i'm still in penang n abt to board the flight back to kl. been here since sunday. miss u.

c: hi syg. it was me. rindu nak dengar your voice. anyway, talked to ben about u. may be i can call u tomorrow. miss u deare

i really miss him. want to see c, talk to him. wishful thinking, indeed

bye syg

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

c: couldnt stop thinking abt u today. miss u dear

spider: same here, dear. thinking abt u n missing u. i hope u r ok overthere. im good. sibuk sendiri. bye syg

c: tks for replying. im kinda ok here. hope we can meet soon.bye to u too, sayang



17/3/2010

spider: have a good nite. dear

c: nice to hear from u. miss u dearly. sweet dreams. dear

miss u dearly, my dear

chicago: sorry for bothering u. saje je call u td. just want to hear
your lovely voice. nak kurangkan tension sikit.

spider: tension lagi ke? take a deep breath, close your eyes n count
your blessings. i miss u too

chicago: biasalah. work related tension. your voice would
dfntly cure the problem.anyway, nice to hear frm u, dear

spider: yelah tu. i believe u :)) wanted to return your call but at the same time
didnt want to disturb u. take it easy dear.

chicago: my dear, your call would never disturb me ever. trust me.
take care of yourself too. miss u, dearly.

rindu

rindu kat c sangat.* would like to see him one of these days. hmm...it is almost impossible..so texted him.

spider: hi dear. just thinking of you.hope u r ok

c: hi yang. im ok. how was the trip to *****? hope i could see u in **** and talk about it.

spider: the trip went well though the schedule was rather hectic. yes, im hoping to see u too. dont know when. miss u very much

c: pls do call me if u r in ****. miss u so much too. hope we can fix that soon.

spider: i will do that. bye dear

silent treatment

my girls are giving me the silent treatment. i wonder how long it will last this time.

1/12/10

spider: hi dear thks for the call. it was nice of u to remember my no:00miss u

c: hi. so sorry i couldnt call u again just now. still in meeting just now. will call u again probably tmrw. bye dear. miss u

at last

c: hi dear, thinking of u right now. fyi, im working in ipoh right now. this is my new no. miss u. c

spider: nice no. if u r not too busy, can i call u later?

c: by all means. cant wait for your call.

*******

spider: good to talk to u after all this while.

c:same here. really nice talking to u.
i will call u next week.

spider: just text me. that is very good already.
take care n i miss u

c: hearing your voice is so much better
talking to you today really makes my day.
miss u

C. Hi dear, just teringat kat u.I'm in your hometown, ###M miss u. Spider: Hmm..enjoy your stay there. Miss u dearly.

deteriorating

my relationship with fmc is not improving. infact it getting from bad to worse. deteriorating everyday. he is doing his things and i'm doing mine. just wait and see where do we get from here.

miss u miss me

spider: hi dear, how r u?

c: hi yang, kind of ok. tired a bit.
didn't feel so good for the last few days. cause of flu.
how r u?
miss u, though.

spider: hmm...im good.
i just got back frm kajang. teringat u.
tak sihat la tu,
take it easy and take care dear.
i miss u.

c: wish to c u just now. im at sg besi army camp.
miss u too, dear

just make do, make it work with whatever we have or dont have
marriage without its ups and downs tak best jugak
whatever u decided the...dumping me..
we have to work with it
so redha,
plan the work and work the plan

sayang

sayang sayang sayang

i particularly like that song.
i call my children sayang.
sometimes i accidently call fmc sayang,
well, out of habit

fmc calls me by my fullname.
he always makes a point to make sure it comes out harsh.
infact, whenever he speaks to me, the words come out like that.
by stressing on certain syllables
he tries hard to ensure that too.

somebody else's husband calls me sayang
somebody else'd hubby calls me my dear
somebody else's calls me love

that is rather sad

personally, i like being called sayang,
love,
dear

Blogging via BB

I finally know how to blog via bb. At last, after fiddling with the device for months. Hmm...what to do. I'm a slow learner.

teringat

chicago: hi dear, just thinking of u right now.

spider: hi, selalu teringat kat u, dear. I'm in xx now. Otw to the airport nak balik. miss u

chicago: tks dear, be safe. miss u, too

blink blink

At the airport. My problems are following me wherever I go. The blinking on my handheld device sends shivers down my spine. Sigh sigh

hmm...sape ni?

C: hi dear. sorry it has been a while. miss u.

spider: hmm...sape ni?

c: dah buang phone no? cepatnya. i will always remember u.
that is a promise.

spider: had to do somthing mean after u ignored my raya msg.
so, i deleted your number again ;))
sorry

c: i'm so sorry abt that. didn't mean to ignore your sms.
so sorry dear.
jgn buang this no please.

spider: dah hafal pun, my dear.
what to do, u mmg mcm tu...miss u

c: tq for memorizing my no.
i will always keep yours.
hope to see you soon.

spider: same here. soon enough.

oct 9 - 10, 2009

updates

lamanye tak update blog. ini semua pasal sibuk facebooking le..and of course lately i have been very busy. i mean really crazy busy doing things that i hate..uurghh

updates:
i. deleted c's number from my bb's contact list..it feels good
ii. haven't heard from c since forever ( he didn't reply my raya wish )
iii. just thinking about him makes my eyes watery.
iv. yes, he still has that effect on me.

v. FMC is still ignoring me.
vi. my kid is sitting for an important exam..

gotta stop here.
bedtime.

rojak

a close relative invited the family for berbuka. it was lovely. we stayed over until after solat tarawih. fmc went home dulu, right after solat maghrib leaving the children and i behind. the relative sent us home later.

hmm...fmc is ignoring me again. he avoids talking to me and doesn't answer my questions. i wonder what triggers the act this time. after almost a week, it is still a mystery to me. just let it be.

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wow...lama sungguh tak dengar berita dari C. i miss him but i do feel it is best to keep our silence. he is going through a rough patch in his life. let him sort out his problem. he doesn't need an old flame to breathe down his neck. though deep down in my heart i wish he would talk to me about it. i want to be there for him. hmm... let the wife be there for him ;)))

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matp and i communicate regularly via bb msgr. he is leading a comfortable life. he also admits that he still cares about me and misses me. well, what can i say except that i'm unforgetable! hehe i can't really blame him as we spent almost 5 years as a couple. it is good to know that there is somebody out there who i can count on. as he is a very smart person i always find him to be a good reference point. huh see i'm using him again...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i have been busy catching up with old friends from school. the facebooking and blackberrying activities consume a lot of my time. ini tak boleh jadi. sudah-sudah le tu...

fickle minded??

i made a very costly mistake recently. very costly indeed. nevertheless, i am sleeping better at night. No more sleepless nights.

i appreciate things around me more. i am very thankful with what i have specifically with the house i live in. the fact that it is facing the playground with ample parking spaces along the road side. It nestles in a very nice neighbourhood, too.

fickle minded person?? it's me alright. i'm actually known for that. i changed my mind again and it cost me dearly. enough to buy a brand new vios in cash.

what the heck. it is only money...it it can buy you some peace of mind, why not???

I feel good

I am away again.

I am enjoying it too.

The relationship with people close to me is also improving.

Life is good.

I feel good.

I feel good

I'm away again. This time it is not so long. I'm actually enjoying myself too.

Life is actually getting better for me. The relationship with people around me is improving.

I feel good.

Teringat

Spider: Hi again. Teringat kat you. Have a nice weekend.

C: Hi dear. Always teringat kat u 2. Miss u, sayang.

miss you

been away and now back home again.

hmmm...

it's been a year since the first time we touched base again.

i miss you, dear.

Fireworks

You disappoint me.

You let me down.

Absurd

I woke up this morning with a very strong urge to eat nasi lemak and sambal ikan bilis petai. FMC took the children out for breakfast. I stayed behind coz I was busy cleaning the house. Anyway I told my kid to buy me nasi lemak and sambal ikan bilis petai.

They came back with nasi lemas ikan bilis sans petai. My daughter told me that the father took them to a different kedai which did not have petai. How disappointing...

Anyway, I should have known better.

Tomorrow is Sunday. As alway FMC will only buy NST though he knows that I always want to read MM. Yes, my Sundays won't be complete without reading MM. I will be restless. I love reading the gossip section and the DCCK column. The berpuluh tahun I ikut. Dari zaman anak dara sampai jadi mak budak.

Everyweek I have to go out and buy MM myself. Absurd. Kan boleh beli sekali.

Little things like these bring tears to my eyes.
Sakit hati.

Penyakit Mute

Yes, it's back. Penyakit mute datang balik. FMC (father of my children) is giving me the silent treatment for no apparent reason (at least to me)

My brother invited the family for doa selamat at his place.

We arrived there after Maghrib and joined the doa selamat. Then makan time (ada bubur kacang durian for dessert - yummy) I had a good time catching up the latest gossips with my relatives. The children were having a good time playing and eating and eating. All in all, everybody was enjoying themselves.

Then FMC decided that it was time to go back. It wasn't not even 10 pm. Around 9.30 aje. My elder sister's family were still on their way (still asking for direction).

Yes, we were the first guests to leave much to the dissappointment of everybody. Macamlah jauh sangat rumah. Bukan selalu dapat jumpa adik beradik dan saudara mara berkumpulkan. FMC claimed that he had a lot of things to do. In the the car, I made a remark should better be left unsaid. "Kesian .... kita balik cepat sangat, tak puas bersembang. Tak sempat jumpa ..."

FMC took it personally.

Upon reaching home, he quickly switched on his laptop and started fiddling with it...as if to make a point. Yeah he's very busy...

I started fidlling with mine.
Mute.

Berasap

I am really pissed off with C. Really mad. Fuming. Berasap...

Yelah, if he doesnt want to reply to my mail, at least send me sms from time to time. Ini langsung senyap sunyi. Tiada sebarang bunyi-bunyian. Ini sudah lebih. He is really trying my patience. Takkan itupun I nak ajar.

Ok you asked for it my dear. I swear I won't contact you ever unless you give me valid reason to do otherwise.

In the meantime MatP tak berhenti-henti contact me, hari-hari without fail. It is kind of nice...

Thin air

Yes, C finally replied to my mail. At last...
When mood saya pun dah terbang.

I will just keep still and stay put.
Nak buat tak tau aje...
Tak mau hantar email, sms or call.
If he misses me, pandai le dia cari saya kat mana.

Kalau tak tau nak cari, I'll dissappear into the thin air.
Out of his life for good.

Angry

I am very disappointed that C have not replied to my mail. I know that C is not into writing. He prefers to talk to me and to see me in person. He told me so. He also promised that he would try his best to write. For my sake...

I, on the other hand, love writing and love getting mails from him. It is the only way that I can feel that I have him close to me.

We had shared our secrets and fantasies. We poured our hearts out. But now, he just stopped writing. I am so pissed off especially after he promised to write when we talked last Friday.

I won't write to him. I won't text or call him.
I am erasing you from my memory bank.

C, I am angry at you.

Cold Feet

spider: Hi sorry, cant make it today.
Can I have a rain check?

C: It's ok. It isn't cold feet, is it?

spider: I have a meeting that I can't miss,
so I have to miss you, instead...

C: Ok yang, we meet some other time, then.

Yes, we made arrangement to meet yesterday. The meet did not materialize.
Anyway, I called C and we talked for a while. As always I enjoyed talking
to him. How I wish things are much simpler....

By the way, it was the first time he used the word "yang" in his sms.
He always ends our tele conversation with "bye my dear".

Sharing

I have not been blogging for quite sometime. C and I are communicating daily by email. Rajin pulak mamat tu menulis. He is officially my confidant and I am offically his confidante. Nice. That means we can tell each other anything that we wish.

Itulah yang terjadi. C had been sharing his fantasies about me since schooldays. Very interesting.

I can never look at him the same way again.

Rindu

spider: Nice talking to u tadi. Miss u very much.
Sayang, I hope I can see u real soon...rindu


c: Tks for the surprise call.
Really make my day.
Miss u too, sayang

Not Again

FMC has not been speaking to me since the incident on Sunday. Letih betul macam ni. I better start looking for a new house to buy. I just sold my own house last year and now I am basically menumpang duduk kat his house. Sad kan. I have the feelings that anytime now I can be thrown out of the house.

I pun dah malas nak cerita sebab memang tak ada isu besar pun. Diam aje lah. Tunggu..

Love

This conversation took place at the back seat of a car.

Mom: Twin1, do you love Twin2?

Twin1: Nope, I don't love her.

Mom: Twin2, do you love Twin1?

Twin2: No, I hate her!!!<(Screaming on top of her lung)

Twin1&Twin2: Ha..ha..ha..kah..kah...kah...

The reality is they love each other to bits.
And that is really very sweet.

Bedah The Plumber

A close friend, Bedah told me that the hubby is now jobless. He could not manage work pressure and tendered his resignation last month. As simple as that.

Bedah is furious. She felt betrayed by the hubby. She is now the sole breadwinner.
With the current economic climate, finding another job is not going to be easy.

Bedah also told me that over the weekend she had successfully fixed a water leakage (dekat water tank - atas ceiling) problem at home with the help of his son. The hubby did nothing to help.

Before that, the glass of the sliding door broke. Bedah berada di luar daerah kerana bekerja. The hubby did nothing the whole week. He waited for the wife to come back. When Bedah got home, she found a contractor to fix the problem.

I never have that kind of problem with FMC. He is terribly good in that department. He ensures that the home is safe and comfortable for the family. He gets pissed off if somebody leaves the door open or forgets to lock the gate. He will be the plumber when there is any leakage and changes the bulb whenever the needs arise.

He is definitely very protective of his children.

Ran Wild

This morning, I went to this new kopitiam near my office with my friend, Z.
The one who is having the cyber affair I wrote about before...

We both have been terribly busy that we did not have time to catch up with each other for months. So I asked her about her latest development over our Iced Ipoh White coffee.

Apparently, the "affair" has cool down a bit since her husband is back from abroad early this year.

Z also confided that she actually did something terribly stupid during their marathon telephone conversation and webcamming session which took place in her bedroom late at night.

"How stupid?, I asked.

"You don't want to know!", she answered.

Hmm, I let my imagination ran wild for sometime...

Quarterly?

C called me yesterday. I didn't expect to hear from him so soon.

I told him about the message from the misterious sender. He was quite concerned.
He felt responsible for getting me in "trouble". I told him not to worry.

There are still a lot of questions I want to ask C. Particularly on the wife.
I am very curious about her. I bet she must be somebody special for C to fall for her and let her be the mother of his children. Hmm....

As for me, whenever C wanted to know about FMC, I quickly put a stop to the question. He..he

Then, we talked about the next meet.

C: When can I see you again?

spider: Not so soon. Let's do it quarterly...

C: Nay, you mean I can only see you in June?

spider: Yeah. End of June.

C: Wow, that's like 3 months away, dear...

spider: Tak pe lah...


The truth to the matter is I want to see you everyday.
Only, that is not quite possible.

Sape pulak ni???

Hi dear,
So we finally got to meet. Tak sangka pula boleh jadi...
I really appreciate you taking the trouble to come over to S9 to see me.

It was really nice talking to you and indeed time flew rather quickly.
Ada banyak benda nak tanya, tapi tak keluar. Biasa la.
Maybe the next time we meet (ada ke next time? ),
we can ajak AB or even BN/HD to join us.

I managed to pick up my kids on time, so no long faces from them.
I hope you reached home safe and sound considering it rained heavily.

I am not quite sure if this mail will find its way to you.
I just wanna wish you all the best and I doakan yang bagus-bagus untuk u.

Remember me sometimes...
Bye dear.

----------------------------------

My dear spider,

It was great meeting you that day.
I'm pretty sure that there will be a next time.
I'll make sure of that if you don't mind.

You know what, I have the same problem that day,
that I kind of tongue tied. But I really appreciate the pictures.
Finally I got to see them but I wish there were more.

Thank you for the doa2 from you.

I will always remember you. I'll call or email you from my new email address from time to time. Wish I could take you for lunch at XXX tu. They serve makanan pedas2.

Bye my dear spider.

---------------------------------

I also got a disturbing text message from a misterious sender.

Aiyoo, pegi dating tak ajak kita je..Bbye

I tried calling the number, but nobody answered.

Sape pulak ni???

Blogging Incognito?

Since I was small, I used to keep journals/diaries and scrapbooks. I would cut newspapers/magazines clippings of interesting events/people and pasted them in my scrapbooks together with short write ups. I also had a little black book where I wrote about my crushes, my headaches, my frustration. my anger.

I still keep some of the books and read them from time to time. They are like a time machine which transports me back to the bygone era.

I do wish I had written more, though...

Today, I blog incognito. Still, as an outlet to vent out my misery and share my excitement. Writing them down, solidifies the moments and helps to declutter my thoughts.

Keep me sane.

I can go back and revisit those moments whenever I feel like doing so in my own secret hideout.

Nice Tea

I met C yesterday when he came over to my town to see me. He called the day before and he asked me if it was alright for us to meet. The last time we met was in August 08.

I just had my lunch at home so I was rather full. We both ordered iced tea. The meet this time was more relaxed compared to the one before. We catched up on the latest happenings (politics included) and of course revisited our past together.

We met in the open...a nice kedai mamak and of course the chances of bumping into mutual acquaintances of FMC and I were very high. But I prefer it like that rather than meeting C in a cosy, posh and secluded cafe. Actually, I told FMC that I was meeting an old friend.

And meet went really well. I enjoyed our conversation and I thought C had a good time too. He finished 4 sticks of cigs during the whole conversation.

By the time we decided to leave, it was already pouring cats and dogs outside. We walked together to the AutoPay Station. Hmm...I couldn't believe how much I enjoyed walking beside him.

I had butterflies in my stomach before meeting him, during the whole event and also after it was over.

The butterflies are still having a rowdy party inside my tummy.

Hmm

FMC went out to picked up the girls. Then I sent him a text message asking him to buy something. Khilaf besar saya. I should have known better after all this while...

FMC marah-marah sebab masa dia di rumah, I tak bercakap. After he left, baru nak pesan-pesan.

The truth is, tadi saya tak ingat. Lepas tu baru teringat. Nak buat macamana?
Sabar aje spider.

Dah tua-tua masih kena marah. Kurang sesuai. Bila dikenangkan. bila dah kawin ni baru saya selalu kena marah. Masa kecik, jarang kena marah. Masuk asrama pun tak ada. Pi sambung belajar, lagi le tak ada sape nak marah. Kat tempat kerja pun tak de kena marah.

Itulah, sebabnya dah tak kuasa nak bercakap.
Banyak mendatangkan mudharat dari munafaat.

Meamang ada masanya saya buat silap. Tapi tak berpadan dengan dengan kemarahan yang diterima. Ibarat budak sekolah tertinggal buku, kena public caning.

Tapi bila kurang bercakap, pun kena marah juga.

Itu sebab hati saya sudah jauh. Jauh sangat sampai tak jumpa dah...

Ages

Hi dear,
It's been ages since the last time I sent you e-mail.
If you are leaving XXX,
I guess I won't be able to contact you using this email add.
I might as well write to you now while I still can.

I'm quite sad, actually.
We had shared our old dark secrets "here"

I don't know what they did to you.
To me, they definitely shed some lights on what happenned before
and
added some vibrant colours into my otherwise mundane life!

So, do keep in touch. Sometimes. Promise me that.
You know where to find me.
It is always nice to hear from an old friend...kan?

Bye C.

p/s Saya berbalas text messages with BN, last week.
I assume he got my number from u...


Hi dear,
It's been a while since we've been communicating with emails.
I'll probably will be using a different email address once I keluar from the XXX. I'll email you my new address once I dapat nanti.

I've lost you once. It will never happen again. That I promise you.

Ps hopefully BN did not ask you macam2 that made you uncomfortable.

Bye dear.

Shooh...

C called me on my hp last friday. It's been a while since the last time we spoke to each other. More than a month. In between, C had tried calling me at the office a number of times. Tapi, I mana ada kat office.

It is very nice to be able to have a decent conversation again. Cuma masa tu, I was on leave. The children and I were having our tea at a nice restaurant near my house. Jadi, I had to keep the conversation short. Elok juga...

I care deeply for C. Yelah, "kawan" lama.
That was then, this is now.
What could have been will always be what could have been.
We both have our lives......

Cuma, sekali sekala syaitan mengganggu...

Shooh...Pegi jauh-jauh

Here we go again..

The trip started real well. The hotel that we were staying in was really nice. The children enjoyed the pool and their buffet breakfast.

Unfortunately, FMC decided to spoil it all.

He was in a foul mood last night. The family had earlier planned to have a seafood dinner last night. I yang nak belanja. Masaalahnya, I didn’t have enough cash with me. Nothing new there. My LV purse cost more that 2K but it seldom has more that RM20 in it! Ha..ha..

Kena cari ATM dulu. Since FMC was not familiar with the place he had trouble looking for it. When we found one, it was quite a distance away. He asked me to walk there which I refused. I was expecting him to actually drive nearer or find another ATM. Apalah susah sangat.

I did not expect him to blow his top off. I don’t want to share the details of that too but believe me it was horrible. He then asked my daughter to remind him not to follow me to any of my outstation trips in the future(like I never heard that before..)

FMC decided to cancel the dinner plan and took us back to the hotel. He went up to the hotel room to sulk.

Since everybody was hungry, I took the children to the mall across the hotel.(FMC kata “pegi laa..”) Ada ATM. I withdrew my money and bought Crocs sandals for the young ones. Then, we had our dinner at one of the fast food restaurants. Everybody was still confused about what happened.

I, myself wonder what the big sin that I had committed. Then, I decided not to worry too much about it and just enjoy the company of my children. Afterall, I didn’t think I committed any crime.

We went back to the hotel room. FMC dah cool down and acted like nothing happened.
Hmm…The silent treatment starts again…

Why?

Hi..hi spider

Hmm..you know why I called.

I'll try to call you back later.

Thank you.

Bye.

I am home

I am dead tired but I somehow I have problem going to sleep. I just got home from KK and it is really good to be back again. So, here I am slouching on the couch and watching repeat of Desperate Housewives. Not really in the mood to write, though...

The girls and FMC were still awake when I reached home just now. FMC sempat komplen pasal my son who is still busy with his co curriculum activities despite having to sit for a major exam soon. And of course he put the blame on me for allowing that to happen.

Actually, I have given my son till the end of the month to wrap up all his activities. After that, he has to give 100% to his studies. FMC tak setuju...so I just listened to what he had to say.

Apa lagi nak buat...

Postman Pat

My son used to love watching this cartoon series.
He collected a lot of Postman Pat memorabillia too.
He even wore Postman Pat underware.

Now he is all grown up with raging hormones.
Whenever I hear this song, it reminds me of our good old days...

Postman Pat. Postman Pat.
Postman Pat and his black and white cat.
Early in the morning, just as day is dawning,
he picks up all the post bags in his van.

Postman Pat. Postman Pat.
Postman Pat and his black and white cat.
All the birds are singing, and the day is just beginning.
Pat feels he's a really happy man.

Everybody knows his bright red van,
all his friends will smile as he waves to greet them,
Maybe, you can never be sure, there'll be knock (knock knock)
Ring (ring ring). Letters through your door. (Hee Hee).

Postman Pat. Postman Pat.
Postman Pat and his black and white cat.
All the birds are singing, and the day is just beginning.
Pat feels he's a really happy man.

Better person, maybe...

I have been really busy lately. Running here and there. Ke Utara, Selatan, Timur dan Barat. Office pun dah lama tak jenguk. Sampai bila agaknya nak hidup macam ni...

Bila sampai kat rumah, I just want to put my feet up and mula le buat appointment dengan tukang urut...Ingatkan zaman meleset ni, job kurang. Lain pulak jadinya..

I am really thankful that I still have my job...Alhamdulillah.

I cannot imagine a life without my own income. Having to ask from FMC for spending money. Urghh...

Come to think about it, maybe I will be a better person. More humble, perhaps...

Once upon a time - Part 1

I was sent to an all girls' boarding school at the tender age of 13. I was miserable initially. I cried almost every night before I went to sleep. I cried while taking my shower. I cried during prep time. Basically, I cried all the time. Memang saya ni ratu menangis.

However after making some good friends, things turned for the better. I enjoyed myself tremendously in the company of my friends. The fact that there was not a single boy around did not affect our life at all.

I secured a full scholarship to pursue EE abroad right after SPM before the result came out. That was when I met C.

We were in the same preparation group. When I first saw him, I thought he was rather cute. Fair and just lovely. Since our group was small, we spent a lot of time together. I sat infront of him in class. Instead of studying, we would bersembang and bersembang. I really enjoyed talking to him.

He was a city boy and from a well to do family. I, on the other hand was from the kampung (ulu) and from a poor family. I felt that he was out of my league. To make the matter worse, the was an uptown girl who liked him and gave the impression to the rest that they were an item. I backed off and focused my attention to C's friend instead, Is.

Man was a shy boy. Despite the many signal I sent him, he simply ignored me. However, we finally hit it off when we were abroad. We maintainted a long distance relationship for slightly more than a year. It was a turbulance relationship. Both of us were young and I ni jenis yang kuat merajuk. Man pulak bukan dari jenis yang pandai melayan. Communication those days was not like what it is today.

In the end, I got close to another guy MatP. He helped me a lot. The fact that he was so pandai also helped. Infact, I was amazed at how smart he was. My relationship with Man deteriorated. Only after MatP went home did we rekindle our friendship.

I went home after graduation. MatP was waiting for me. He had a good job with an international o & g company. Again he helped me; giving me pocket money, ferrying me to interviews, helping me with me resumes, showering me with his attention and expensive gifts too. Once I secured a job in the city, he was also my dutiful "driver".

Yes, the arrangement was so convenient.

Yes, I was using him...

I totally lost contact with both C and Is.

To make a long story short ( I nak tidur ni), MatP and I finally got engaged before I met another guy (the father of my children-FMC) at work. I decided that I wanted to be married to FMC instead of MatP. I called off the engagement and got what I wanted at that time.

Bak kata Hamka,

"Perkahwinan adalah melangkah keluar dari mimpi indah waktu bercinta"
or something to that effect.

What goes around comes around. Hukum karma.

Fate...

Itule kisah nye. Nanti kami sambung lain kali...

Exhausted

I am away again. I really need this break. I find solace in my own company.

To my surprise the hubby was rather nice to me just now. He gave me some advice on safe driving and reminded me to use the steering lock when I park my car at the hotel. I just listened attentively. He even helped put my luggage in the car.

I took the opportunity to seek his forgiveness and blessing since I would be travelling quite a distance this time. Takut beb...kalau ada apa-apa nanti. I am still his lawful wedded wife. Syurga I di bawah tapak kakinya...whether I like it or not. He is that powerful! I made that choice long time ago. There are too many things at stake if I consider pushing the "undo" button now.

His mood swings indicate that he is under a lot of stress too. He is taking it on the people close to him.

Deep down in my heart I know that he is a good man. And I consider myself a good person too..or rather I try to be one. But then maybe two good people together do not always make a good couple. We always rub each other the wrong way.

I don't know how long the good terms between us will last this time.

I am exhausted already.

Sad

The weekend had started really well. I baked a nice cheese cake with my daughters and everybody just loved it. We went out to have our breakfast this morning. Semua OK.

However, when the father of my children came back later in the afternoon, he was fuming with anger. The reason, the children spent too much time infront of the TV/ computer/ playing and not enough time revising their school work. I couldn't agree more with him. But the part that I don't like was when he likened the stubborn attitude of my boy to his (my boy's)mother...yours truly.

Kring

I managed to talk to C at last. Apparently, he called my office while I was away.

As usual, we talked about work, the chldren, mutual friends etc. We avoid talking about our spouses as usual. I am actually very curious about his better half. C told me before that they met in the States. At that time, he thought I was off limits already. Kisah lama. Fate...

Missed Call

I have 4 hours to kill before my flight back home. I am just to tired to roam around town. So here I am, sitting in a corner of the airport with my laptop listening to the tamil news on the TV.

Finally, C called me on my mobile this afternoon. Too bad I missed the call as I was in the midst of a discussion with my client. He didn't call back and I didn't return the call.

Come to think about it, the situation we are in is quite absurd. I never thought I would go through this phase again.

Where are you, dear?

Hmm,yes exactly that. Where are you, my dear? It's been almost two months since we last talked. In between, a lot of events happened. I took a long leave at the end of the year and since the beginning of 2009 I have been running around the country like mad. Work wise, that is.

Actually, I got the message that C called my office while I was away. I restrain myself from returning the calls, smsing or emailing him. I just secretly hope that I'll be in one day to pick up his call and we can start talking again.

I still miss talking to him but somehow it is becoming more bearable now. We had earlier made plan to meet up before end of last year. Apparently, it did not materialize.

I just wait and see what will happen to our friendship this year. In the meantime, I wish him well and will think about him from time to time.

I miss you, dear.

Try sleeping with one

I'm away again. The hotel is nice and conveniently located. The only setback is I have to go the lobby to have access to the internet. So, here I am alone in the lobby updating my blog. Well, I am not totally alone. I am accompanied by seekor nyamuk yang dari tadi mengganggu saya. Menggigit kaki sehingga gatal. I have been trying to bunuh the nyamuk but all in vain. It is really getting on my nerves. I cannot think about anything else but to keep alert all the time. Just waiting for the right moment to strike.

Who says that you are too small to make a difference? The mosquito does it all the time...Try sleeping with one...It is not really my quote. Anita Roddick-Body Shop said it. Got it... dah penyet pun nyamuk tu..yeah! Seekor lagi pula datang..
I cannot stand this anymore. I better go upstairs before I become another statistic in dengue.

He did it again..

Hmm,the man I am married to just told that I had to go for my treatment on my own tomorrow. Well, he had earlier agreed to send and pick me up since I am not allowed to drive after the treatment.

I am not surprised but still very much pissed off. This is not the first time he's doing this to me. Only I should have known better. Now, it's too late to ask the favour from any of my friends or my sis. Terpaksa naik cab and since the center is quite a distance away, it will be a costly journey to and fro.

People close to you will always let you down one time or another. So I always remind myself to rely only on "me"...

Blink-blink

Hi,
In case you are wondering, the hubby is finally talking to me. However, the silent treatment went on for more than a week. I felt bad but not very bad...

He helped me with my luggage when the cab driver came to drive me to the airport. He gave me some money when I took the kids out for a nice treat.

I still minimize the conversation with him in the effort not to push the wrong button. Is there still light at the end of the dark long tunnel?

Selamat Tahun Baru 2009

Tahun 2008 sudah sampai ke hujung. Tahun 2009 sudah tak sabar nak menyapa.

My better half has been ignoring me for a few days already. I don't know for how long this silent treatment will go on. As for me, life goes on as usual. I keep him up to date with my whereabout. Tak pegi mana pun.

I really don't understand what is he trying to prove. He got cranky for no apparent reason.

Well, I don't want to get myself worried over this. It will only add more lines and wrinkles to my beautiful face.

If we are meant to be together, let it be a happy life.
If we are going to live in misery, may be we should consider pulling out the plug...

Just wait and see what 2009 has in store for us.

Hi girls!

Hi,
My friends and I met recently. The last time we gathered was 2 years back during the old girls dinner party. It was really nice to walk down memory lane together and update each other on the latest happenings of our lives. Most of us are married with children. Some are still single. Some were divorced but somehow manage to find themselves new husbands. Amazing women too...

We giggled and laughed out loud much to the "dismay" of other patrons. Who cares?

Come to think about it I really enjoy the company of my girlfriends. The fact that we spent 5 beautiful years together has created this unspoken bond among us. We are just like sisters.

I remember during my university days. I had this senior who was trying very hard to get close to me. At first I simply ignored him but somehow his preserverence paid of in the end. We started spending a lot of time together. The fact he was a very bright student also helped. As a result, I spent less time with my girlfriend which I still regret. Fortunately my girlfriends did not hold grudges against me.

Maybe we don't need men to make us happy and complete. It would be nice if they are around but it is not the end of the world if they are not.

Afterall, we only have ourselves to rely on.

It's been too long!

Hi,
Goodness,it's really been a long long time since the last time I talked to C.
Sigh...3 weeks to be exact. He last called me on his birthday. I guess I wrote about that before.

I actually sent an email to him last friday but i guess it did not go through. I was experiencing some problems with my internet connection. Several emails that I sent out did not reach the intended recipients. I read that as a sign the the email I sent him was not meant to be read at all.

You see, the content was kinda mooshy-mooshy a little bit. I was really missing him and I let him know just that. So when it got stuck somewhere in cyberspace I am just very thankful. He..he penakut juga aku ni....

Well, I don't know if C is still in SP or back home. He does not know that I am away at the moment. We have this understanding that we don't contact each other during weekends/holiday.

Next week I will be taking leave. I doubt we have the opportunity to talk to each other let alone have teh tarik together this year.

What to do...

Should I?

Hi,
I am contemplating whether to text C or not. I know C is away at the moment and there is a possibility that I would catch him at the a bad time. At the same time I am missing him so much and deep down I know that he would be happy to hear from me. He is always very concern about disturbing me at work or of course at home when I am with the family.
Hai, susah le ini macam.

Well, the last time we talked was on his birthday/wedding anniversary. I wanted to wish him happy birthday but I just could not bring myself to do that since the date coincides with his anniversary too. Hmmm...

Ok...sabar spider. Why not you text him tomorrow? Just tell him that your are going away and the fact that you are missing him so much. Don't go overboard with it. Just enough to convey the message that the feelings are mutual.

Hi, I don't know for how this will go on and it is definitely getting a toll on my life...

C...I just can't stop thinking about you.
I miss u so much, dear.

C

:-)

Hi dear. I'm in SP right now till end of the week.
Been busy with bunch of programs since last week.
Miss u so much.

Missing u too, dear. Take care.

Heaven

Hi,
Somebody close to me said something very profound that got me thinking. The person hoped that I won't terseksa in the other life because of the way I live my life now.

What on earth got him/her to say that? You may wonder...I don't.

Lately, I'm finding that it is getting more and more difficult to live with my better half. It scares me terribly. I don't know where to turn to. I am afraid of making decision because I know there is no turning back after that.
What if my life would turn from bad to worse after that? Sigh..

I want to go to heaven.
I will need to make decision that enable me to achieve my goal.
That will be...

Innocent

Hi,
It's been awhile since the last time I update my blog. I just couldn't find a suitable time to do that. Life goes on as usual.

I had coffee with a good friend today. You know, the one who is having an internet fling while the hubby is away. Fuhh, things are actually steaming up for them. They are communicating regularly and that includes webcamming (ada ke such word)late at nights. Goodness, to me that is unthinkable. I do not even consider mmsing my pic to C. Daringnye makcik tu...what was she thinking?

It actually makes my relationship with C look so innocent. He..he memang innocent pun. We are two long lost friends whose paths crossed again. I treasure our friendship and definitely friendship is the loveliest relationship.

Miss u so much

Dec 5, 2008

Dear C...I miss u.

I miss u too my dear spider.
Tq for still keeping my number

Lost you once...

Dec 1, 2008 Monday

C called me. We talked for quite sometime. I wanted to mms C a picture of my friends and I in the dining when we were students. Somehow C couldn't recall Noriz who used to be my best friend (in fact she still is my best friend). A asked for his number as I had deleted it. He was indeed very surprised and dissapointed.

So I had to tell him the reason which was rather childish. I texted him last week when I passed by his office. Just informing him that I was in his neighbourhood. It felt good to know that he was nearby and breathing the same polluted air, too. Only he never replied which really pissed me off. To channelled out my frustration and anger, I just got to do something mean back. Some form of retaliation act. So I deleted all his messages and his number too. I felt better after that.

C was rather taken aback. He went through the trouble of explaining his situation to me. The fact that he was in Sabah attending a meeting when he got my message. The many messages that he received in his BlackBerry that demand his immediate attention..bla bla..

I saved his number back.

Later in the day I received this message from him.


My dear spider,it was nice talking to you just now
eventhough part of the conversation was kind of
frustrating for me. But anyway I don't want to lose
our communication and relationship. Lost u once.
Don't want to lose you again.
Please do sms or email me when you can.
I promise you that I will answer back your sms n emails.
Take care n hv a good holiday.
Miss u already, dear.

Hi...don't worry about it.
It was actually my problem, not yours.
I was born weird.
Anyway, thks for your concern.
Miss u too, dear

Ok. Tks for your understanding and
I will always remember yr words about
me being in your list eventhough no. 2.
As long as I'm in the list I'm very happy.
Tks dear.

Cyber fling

I went out with a girlfriend at the local kopitiam. Apparently, she has found an interesting character over the internet and at present is having a cyber fling with the guy.

The hubby is away and supposed to be back in three weeks time. Then he will go back to England again for indefinitely period. My friend is rather concerned that she's having such a good time with her cyber friend. He is a smooth talker and she's basking in all the terms of endearment used in the communication. It fills the void left by the hubby.

That is a definite infidelity, isn't it? No doubt about it. The question is how do you deal with it? I guess there is not much choice there. She knows what is the correct thing to do. But I don't think she is ready to pull out the plug yet...

Somehow I can relate to her situation...

Sigh

Yesterday was a bad day. I got scolded like mad. I do think that I'm much too old to go through the experience but apparently that is what I have to go through. This mental torture has been going on for quite some time and I don't know when it will stop. It is not as bad as I made it sound but still I don't think I'm willing to live with it it anymore.

So, the big question is what am I going to do about it? Hmm ...that is kind of interesting. What are the options that I have... what are the consequences of the options...am I strong enough to face them?

Well, the bottom line is I don't want lo live in sin. Penghidupan saya tidak diredhai. I know that I'm not loved or even liked by the person. This is reflected by the tone of the voice, the words used, the facial expression, the action...

So, what is the purpose of staying together? For the sake of the children? Come to think about it the present situation is not healthy for them either.
Sigh...

It never came through

Hi,
I'm expecting for the call but it never came through. I guess C must be really busy. I wish he called because I wanted to tell him about A. Some other time then.

A close friend confided that she is pregnant again. She did the home pregnancy test last night and the result came positive. The friend was indifferent about the situation. What to do? Terima ajelah...I told her that I will visit her once she gave birth with nice present. Ha..ha I guess I will have to be extra careful just in case..

I still can't get C out of my mind. I terribly long to hear his voice. Listen to his laughter. Should I call him? Nay...the most I can do is to email him later on. C, have a nice weekend with your loved ones. I'll be thinking of you..

I'm missing you, my dear.

.spider.

A

Hi
I called A just now. We have not seen each other for more a long long. It would be nice if we can meet up one of these days together with C. It would be even nicer if H can join us. Nice..real nice. Tengok le. I'll think of something.

It's been a while since the last time I spoke to C. I miss him and in fact thinking about him gives me strange feeling. I feel like having him close to me.

I really miss those carefree days. Why didn't we make full use of them? Why didn't you tell me how you feel? Why you waited for so long to get it out of your chest...

I feel like strangling you... Things could have been different. We could have been together, dear.

Now, I long for your calls. I keep on thinking about you.

.spider.

When dear?

I want to meet C terribly but finding a suitable time seems to be a big problem.
You know, considering the situations we are in. He wanted to come over to see me but
I don't think it was a good idea. I prefer us to meet elsewhere.

The last time we met was in August right after we finished work. It was quite awkward seeing him again after so many years. I cursed myself for letting him slipped away before. How could I be so blind. I was oblivious to the signals transmitted. But then, the signals were so weak! According to C it was due to lots of interference with the airwaves. Huh...

Anyhow, we just see how it goes. Hopefully, before year end we can meet over coffee. In the meantime, I'll be thinking of you.

Bye dear.

C

How're you dear...kat mana?
I'm bored n hungry. Call me if u r free.
I promise that it won't be long that u
miss other important calls...
kalau sibuk tu takpe.
I just miss talking to you.
Bye.

Hi. I miss u too. Give me 10 mins.
Ill call u k.

My dear, i really miss you.

C

I am confused. What exactly do I want from my life?
Since C comes into the picture, entah apa-apa yang I rasa.
Somehow, I feel like a teenager again where in reality my
children are the teenagers...

Ca, call me please! I know you don't want to catch me at a bad
time. But dear, I really need to talk to you before I go back home.

Oh dear...

Better Late Than Never

Just wondering where u are...Home or away?

My dear spider sorry for the late reply.
I am in town. Called your office just now but
I guess you're out.
Anyway miss u.

Tak pe. I miss u too, dear.


Hmm...what you didn't know was I waited for you reply all night long.
I thought the message did not get through.
Oh dear, I miss you...

Kring kring

Nice talking to you.
Terubat rindu. Tak tipu.
Enjoy the long break, I'll be thinking of you.
Bye

Miss you too. Didn't expect u to rindu kat I.
But I really do miss u n that's why I called u tadi.
I'll call u again later. Enjoy the weekend.

Bye, my dear.

C

Hi dear spider.

Hope everything ok with you.
How's the trip to KK? Had fun back home?
Missing you. C

Hi C. I'm just fine, tq.
The balik kampung trip went well though I was alone.
Nice of you to still remember me, my dear.
I'm missing u, too.

For your info, I will always remember you, my dear spider.
Nice to hear that you enjoyed your trip.
Wish that we could have teh tarik or something one of these days.
Wanted to call u but I'm not sure whether you're free or not.

For u to remember me is good enough.
Having teh tarik with you is the icing on the cake.
Too sweet...bad for health.
Sekali sekala tak pe.
Indulge.

Kring..kring.

And we talked and talked and talked. Just like we did back during prep time many years ago. Talking has never been so good.

I still remember the tagline from British Telecom(BT) TV advertisement
"It's good to talk"

I cannot agree more...

Morning Has Broken

Hi dear,

This is my all time favorite.
It reminds me of MsL, my music teacher during school days.
She certainly gave her all when teaching.
We also sang this during our Girl Guide weekly meeting.
I never actually paid attention to the lyrics before.
But gosh the words are beautiful.
The song is so spiritual.

Enjoy..

Morning Has Broken - Cat Stevens

Morning has broken, like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for the springing fresh from the word

Sweet the rain's new fall, sunlit from heaven
Like the first dewfall, on the first grass
Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden
Sprung in completeness where his feet pass

Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning
Born of the one light, Eden saw play
Praise with elation, praise every morning
God's recreation of the new day

.spider.

You Are Guilty

Hi dear,

I read some stuff on infidelity written by fellow bloggers. I learnt about 2 categories of infidelity: emotional and physical.

Huhh, unconsciously, I might be guilty of infidelity, both emotional and physical. Or maybe it is done consciously as my way of retaliating to the situation.

Whatever it is, I feel that I am fighting a losing battle. Should I just surrender?

.spider.

Is it good not to talk?

Hi dear,

Last night, M complained that he doesn't get support from me, that I only talk to him to ask for rm, that I ignore him, etc..etc. Sigh 3x

Definitely, we are not living in a marital bliss for quite some time already. Lately, I have actually reached a point whereby I cannot take the constant bickering between us that I resort to minimizing all means of communication with him. And gosh, we still manage to meet heads on...whenever we open our mouths that is.

As usual, I will end up crying silently. Not because I was sad or hurt by the cutting words but more because of the anger that build up inside me. We are two different people living under one roof. We fail to complement each other. Instead, we torture ourselves by being together.

I notice that of late M spends a lot of time fiddling with his beri beri and the laptop. I wonder who his cyber friends are. Apparently, they are not experiencing any communication breakdown.

.spider.

Weirdo

Hi dear,

C actually asked for my forgiveness for having some kind of "thoughts" about me before. He refused to tell me more. What could it be, I just wonder.

Anyway, I stumbled on some quotes while bloghopping today. Could they have any similarities to the kind of thoughts C had on me?

Hmmm...Read on...

Question
If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?

Answer
History tells me that i'll keep wanking over the image of her regardless. i'm saying - someone you secretly lust for, AND someone else's property! = super wendy whopper turn on!
if you're talking bout love though, mm ,err hrgmh, frk, i'll still stick to the wanking. crying while fapping away might not be the most romantic thing ever, but it sure is close.

*penyangak*

Sigh..sigh
C dear, I forgive you, regardless...hmmm

.spider.

Hi dear

Welcome aboard. Pour your heart out.

.spider.