Thursday, February 12, 2009

Once upon a time - Part 1

I was sent to an all girls' boarding school at the tender age of 13. I was miserable initially. I cried almost every night before I went to sleep. I cried while taking my shower. I cried during prep time. Basically, I cried all the time. Memang saya ni ratu menangis.

However after making some good friends, things turned for the better. I enjoyed myself tremendously in the company of my friends. The fact that there was not a single boy around did not affect our life at all.

I secured a full scholarship to pursue EE abroad right after SPM before the result came out. That was when I met C.

We were in the same preparation group. When I first saw him, I thought he was rather cute. Fair and just lovely. Since our group was small, we spent a lot of time together. I sat infront of him in class. Instead of studying, we would bersembang and bersembang. I really enjoyed talking to him.

He was a city boy and from a well to do family. I, on the other hand was from the kampung (ulu) and from a poor family. I felt that he was out of my league. To make the matter worse, the was an uptown girl who liked him and gave the impression to the rest that they were an item. I backed off and focused my attention to C's friend instead, Is.

Man was a shy boy. Despite the many signal I sent him, he simply ignored me. However, we finally hit it off when we were abroad. We maintainted a long distance relationship for slightly more than a year. It was a turbulance relationship. Both of us were young and I ni jenis yang kuat merajuk. Man pulak bukan dari jenis yang pandai melayan. Communication those days was not like what it is today.

In the end, I got close to another guy MatP. He helped me a lot. The fact that he was so pandai also helped. Infact, I was amazed at how smart he was. My relationship with Man deteriorated. Only after MatP went home did we rekindle our friendship.

I went home after graduation. MatP was waiting for me. He had a good job with an international o & g company. Again he helped me; giving me pocket money, ferrying me to interviews, helping me with me resumes, showering me with his attention and expensive gifts too. Once I secured a job in the city, he was also my dutiful "driver".

Yes, the arrangement was so convenient.

Yes, I was using him...

I totally lost contact with both C and Is.

To make a long story short ( I nak tidur ni), MatP and I finally got engaged before I met another guy (the father of my children-FMC) at work. I decided that I wanted to be married to FMC instead of MatP. I called off the engagement and got what I wanted at that time.

Bak kata Hamka,

"Perkahwinan adalah melangkah keluar dari mimpi indah waktu bercinta"
or something to that effect.

What goes around comes around. Hukum karma.


Itule kisah nye. Nanti kami sambung lain kali...

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


I am away again. I really need this break. I find solace in my own company.

To my surprise the hubby was rather nice to me just now. He gave me some advice on safe driving and reminded me to use the steering lock when I park my car at the hotel. I just listened attentively. He even helped put my luggage in the car.

I took the opportunity to seek his forgiveness and blessing since I would be travelling quite a distance this time. Takut beb...kalau ada apa-apa nanti. I am still his lawful wedded wife. Syurga I di bawah tapak kakinya...whether I like it or not. He is that powerful! I made that choice long time ago. There are too many things at stake if I consider pushing the "undo" button now.

His mood swings indicate that he is under a lot of stress too. He is taking it on the people close to him.

Deep down in my heart I know that he is a good man. And I consider myself a good person too..or rather I try to be one. But then maybe two good people together do not always make a good couple. We always rub each other the wrong way.

I don't know how long the good terms between us will last this time.

I am exhausted already.

Sunday, February 8, 2009


The weekend had started really well. I baked a nice cheese cake with my daughters and everybody just loved it. We went out to have our breakfast this morning. Semua OK.

However, when the father of my children came back later in the afternoon, he was fuming with anger. The reason, the children spent too much time infront of the TV/ computer/ playing and not enough time revising their school work. I couldn't agree more with him. But the part that I don't like was when he likened the stubborn attitude of my boy to his (my boy's)mother...yours truly.

Saturday, February 7, 2009


I managed to talk to C at last. Apparently, he called my office while I was away.

As usual, we talked about work, the chldren, mutual friends etc. We avoid talking about our spouses as usual. I am actually very curious about his better half. C told me before that they met in the States. At that time, he thought I was off limits already. Kisah lama. Fate...