Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Selamat Tahun Baru 2009

Tahun 2008 sudah sampai ke hujung. Tahun 2009 sudah tak sabar nak menyapa.

My better half has been ignoring me for a few days already. I don't know for how long this silent treatment will go on. As for me, life goes on as usual. I keep him up to date with my whereabout. Tak pegi mana pun.

I really don't understand what is he trying to prove. He got cranky for no apparent reason.

Well, I don't want to get myself worried over this. It will only add more lines and wrinkles to my beautiful face.

If we are meant to be together, let it be a happy life.
If we are going to live in misery, may be we should consider pulling out the plug...

Just wait and see what 2009 has in store for us.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Hi girls!

My friends and I met recently. The last time we gathered was 2 years back during the old girls dinner party. It was really nice to walk down memory lane together and update each other on the latest happenings of our lives. Most of us are married with children. Some are still single. Some were divorced but somehow manage to find themselves new husbands. Amazing women too...

We giggled and laughed out loud much to the "dismay" of other patrons. Who cares?

Come to think about it I really enjoy the company of my girlfriends. The fact that we spent 5 beautiful years together has created this unspoken bond among us. We are just like sisters.

I remember during my university days. I had this senior who was trying very hard to get close to me. At first I simply ignored him but somehow his preserverence paid of in the end. We started spending a lot of time together. The fact he was a very bright student also helped. As a result, I spent less time with my girlfriend which I still regret. Fortunately my girlfriends did not hold grudges against me.

Maybe we don't need men to make us happy and complete. It would be nice if they are around but it is not the end of the world if they are not.

Afterall, we only have ourselves to rely on.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

It's been too long!

Goodness,it's really been a long long time since the last time I talked to C.
Sigh...3 weeks to be exact. He last called me on his birthday. I guess I wrote about that before.

I actually sent an email to him last friday but i guess it did not go through. I was experiencing some problems with my internet connection. Several emails that I sent out did not reach the intended recipients. I read that as a sign the the email I sent him was not meant to be read at all.

You see, the content was kinda mooshy-mooshy a little bit. I was really missing him and I let him know just that. So when it got stuck somewhere in cyberspace I am just very thankful. He..he penakut juga aku ni....

Well, I don't know if C is still in SP or back home. He does not know that I am away at the moment. We have this understanding that we don't contact each other during weekends/holiday.

Next week I will be taking leave. I doubt we have the opportunity to talk to each other let alone have teh tarik together this year.

What to do...

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Should I?

I am contemplating whether to text C or not. I know C is away at the moment and there is a possibility that I would catch him at the a bad time. At the same time I am missing him so much and deep down I know that he would be happy to hear from me. He is always very concern about disturbing me at work or of course at home when I am with the family.
Hai, susah le ini macam.

Well, the last time we talked was on his birthday/wedding anniversary. I wanted to wish him happy birthday but I just could not bring myself to do that since the date coincides with his anniversary too. Hmmm...

Ok...sabar spider. Why not you text him tomorrow? Just tell him that your are going away and the fact that you are missing him so much. Don't go overboard with it. Just enough to convey the message that the feelings are mutual.

Hi, I don't know for how this will go on and it is definitely getting a toll on my life...

C...I just can't stop thinking about you.
I miss u so much, dear.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008



Hi dear. I'm in SP right now till end of the week.
Been busy with bunch of programs since last week.
Miss u so much.

Missing u too, dear. Take care.

Sunday, December 14, 2008


Somebody close to me said something very profound that got me thinking. The person hoped that I won't terseksa in the other life because of the way I live my life now.

What on earth got him/her to say that? You may wonder...I don't.

Lately, I'm finding that it is getting more and more difficult to live with my better half. It scares me terribly. I don't know where to turn to. I am afraid of making decision because I know there is no turning back after that.
What if my life would turn from bad to worse after that? Sigh..

I want to go to heaven.
I will need to make decision that enable me to achieve my goal.
That will be...

Friday, December 12, 2008


It's been awhile since the last time I update my blog. I just couldn't find a suitable time to do that. Life goes on as usual.

I had coffee with a good friend today. You know, the one who is having an internet fling while the hubby is away. Fuhh, things are actually steaming up for them. They are communicating regularly and that includes webcamming (ada ke such word)late at nights. Goodness, to me that is unthinkable. I do not even consider mmsing my pic to C. Daringnye makcik tu...what was she thinking?

It actually makes my relationship with C look so innocent. He..he memang innocent pun. We are two long lost friends whose paths crossed again. I treasure our friendship and definitely friendship is the loveliest relationship.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Miss u so much

Dec 5, 2008

Dear C...I miss u.

I miss u too my dear spider.
Tq for still keeping my number

Lost you once...

Dec 1, 2008 Monday

C called me. We talked for quite sometime. I wanted to mms C a picture of my friends and I in the dining when we were students. Somehow C couldn't recall Noriz who used to be my best friend (in fact she still is my best friend). A asked for his number as I had deleted it. He was indeed very surprised and dissapointed.

So I had to tell him the reason which was rather childish. I texted him last week when I passed by his office. Just informing him that I was in his neighbourhood. It felt good to know that he was nearby and breathing the same polluted air, too. Only he never replied which really pissed me off. To channelled out my frustration and anger, I just got to do something mean back. Some form of retaliation act. So I deleted all his messages and his number too. I felt better after that.

C was rather taken aback. He went through the trouble of explaining his situation to me. The fact that he was in Sabah attending a meeting when he got my message. The many messages that he received in his BlackBerry that demand his immediate attention..bla bla..

I saved his number back.

Later in the day I received this message from him.

My dear spider,it was nice talking to you just now
eventhough part of the conversation was kind of
frustrating for me. But anyway I don't want to lose
our communication and relationship. Lost u once.
Don't want to lose you again.
Please do sms or email me when you can.
I promise you that I will answer back your sms n emails.
Take care n hv a good holiday.
Miss u already, dear.

Hi...don't worry about it.
It was actually my problem, not yours.
I was born weird.
Anyway, thks for your concern.
Miss u too, dear

Ok. Tks for your understanding and
I will always remember yr words about
me being in your list eventhough no. 2.
As long as I'm in the list I'm very happy.
Tks dear

Monday, December 1, 2008

Cyber fling

I went out with a girlfriend at the local kopitiam. Apparently, she has found an interesting character over the internet and at present is having a cyber fling with the guy.

The hubby is away and supposed to be back in three weeks time. Then he will go back to England again for indefinitely period. My friend is rather concerned that she's having such a good time with her cyber friend. He is a smooth talker and she's basking in all the terms of endearment used in the communication. It fills the void left by the hubby.

That is a definite infidelity, isn't it? No doubt about it. The question is how do you deal with it? I guess there is not much choice there. She knows what is the correct thing to do. But I don't think she is ready to pull out the plug yet...

Somehow I can relate to her situation...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


Yesterday was a bad day. I got scolded like mad. I do think that I'm much too old to go through the experience but apparently that is what I have to go through. This mental torture has been going on for quite some time and I don't know when it will stop. It is not as bad as I made it sound but still I don't think I'm willing to live with it it anymore.

So, the big question is what am I going to do about it? Hmm ...that is kind of interesting. What are the options that I have... what are the consequences of the I strong enough to face them?

Well, the bottom line is I don't want lo live in sin. Penghidupan saya tidak diredhai. I know that I'm not loved or even liked by the person. This is reflected by the tone of the voice, the words used, the facial expression, the action...

So, what is the purpose of staying together? For the sake of the children? Come to think about it the present situation is not healthy for them either.

Friday, November 21, 2008

It never came through

I'm expecting for the call but it never came through. I guess C must be really busy. I wish he called because I wanted to tell him about A. Some other time then.

A close friend confided that she is pregnant again. She did the home pregnancy test last night and the result came positive. The friend was indifferent about the situation. What to do? Terima ajelah...I told her that I will visit her once she gave birth with nice present. Ha..ha I guess I will have to be extra careful just in case..

I still can't get C out of my mind. I terribly long to hear his voice. Listen to his laughter. Should I call him? Nay...the most I can do is to email him later on. C, have a nice weekend with your loved ones. I'll be thinking of you..

I'm missing you, my dear.


Thursday, November 20, 2008


I called A just now. We have not seen each other for more a long long. It would be nice if we can meet up one of these days together with C. It would be even nicer if H can join us. Nice..real nice. Tengok le. I'll think of something.

It's been a while since the last time I spoke to C. I miss him and in fact thinking about him gives me strange feeling. I feel like having him close to me.

I really miss those carefree days. Why didn't we make full use of them? Why didn't you tell me how you feel? Why you waited for so long to get it out of your chest...

I feel like strangling you... Things could have been different. We could have been together, dear.

Now, I long for your calls. I keep on thinking about you.


Friday, November 14, 2008

When dear?

I want to meet C terribly but finding a suitable time seems to be a big problem.
You know, considering the situations we are in. He wanted to come over to see me but
I don't think it was a good idea. I prefer us to meet elsewhere.

The last time we met was in August right after we finished work. It was quite awkward seeing him again after so many years. I cursed myself for letting him slipped away before. How could I be so blind. I was oblivious to the signals transmitted. But then, the signals were so weak! According to C it was due to lots of interference with the airwaves. Huh...

Anyhow, we just see how it goes. Hopefully, before year end we can meet over coffee. In the meantime, I'll be thinking of you.

Bye dear.


How're you dear...kat mana?
I'm bored n hungry. Call me if u r free.
I promise that it won't be long that u
miss other important calls...
kalau sibuk tu takpe.
I just miss talking to you.

Hi. I miss u too. Give me 10 mins.
Ill call u k.

My dear, i really miss you.

Friday, October 31, 2008


I am confused. What exactly do I want from my life?
Since C comes into the picture, entah apa-apa yang I rasa.
Somehow, I feel like a teenager again where in reality my
children are the teenagers...

Ca, call me please! I know you don't want to catch me at a bad
time. But dear, I really need to talk to you before I go back home.

Oh dear...

Better Late Than Never

Just wondering where u are...Home or away?

My dear spider sorry for the late reply.
I am in town. Called your office just now but
I guess you're out.
Anyway miss u.

Tak pe. I miss u too, dear.

Hmm...what you didn't know was I waited for you reply all night long.
I thought the message did not get through.
Oh dear, I miss you...

Friday, October 24, 2008

Kring kring

Nice talking to you.
Terubat rindu. Tak tipu.
Enjoy the long break, I'll be thinking of you.

Miss you too. Didn't expect u to rindu kat I.
But I really do miss u n that's why I called u tadi.
I'll call u again later. Enjoy the weekend.

Bye, my dear.


Hi dear spider.

Hope everything ok with you.
How's the trip to KK? Had fun back home?
Missing you. C

Hi C. I'm just fine, tq.
The balik kampung trip went well though I was alone.
Nice of you to still remember me, my dear.
I'm missing u, too.

For your info, I will always remember you, my dear spider.
Nice to hear that you enjoyed your trip.
Wish that we could have teh tarik or something one of these days.
Wanted to call u but I'm not sure whether you're free or not.

For u to remember me is good enough.
Having teh tarik with you is the icing on the cake.
Too sweet...bad for health.
Sekali sekala tak pe.


And we talked and talked and talked. Just like we did back during prep time many years ago. Talking has never been so good.

I still remember the tagline from British Telecom(BT) TV advertisement
"It's good to talk"

I cannot agree more...

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Morning Has Broken

Hi dear,

This is my all time favorite.
It reminds me of MsL, my music teacher during school days.
She certainly gave her all when teaching.
We also sang this during our Girl Guide weekly meeting.
I never actually paid attention to the lyrics before.
But gosh the words are beautiful.
The song is so spiritual.


Morning Has Broken - Cat Stevens

Morning has broken, like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for the springing fresh from the word

Sweet the rain's new fall, sunlit from heaven
Like the first dewfall, on the first grass
Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden
Sprung in completeness where his feet pass

Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning
Born of the one light, Eden saw play
Praise with elation, praise every morning
God's recreation of the new day


You Are Guilty

Hi dear,

I read some stuff on infidelity written by fellow bloggers. I learnt about 2 categories of infidelity: emotional and physical.

Huhh, unconsciously, I might be guilty of infidelity, both emotional and physical. Or maybe it is done consciously as my way of retaliating to the situation.

Whatever it is, I feel that I am fighting a losing battle. Should I just surrender?


Is it good not to talk?

Hi dear,

Last night, M complained that he doesn't get support from me, that I only talk to him to ask for rm, that I ignore him, etc..etc. Sigh 3x

Definitely, we are not living in a marital bliss for quite some time already. Lately, I have actually reached a point whereby I cannot take the constant bickering between us that I resort to minimizing all means of communication with him. And gosh, we still manage to meet heads on...whenever we open our mouths that is.

As usual, I will end up crying silently. Not because I was sad or hurt by the cutting words but more because of the anger that build up inside me. We are two different people living under one roof. We fail to complement each other. Instead, we torture ourselves by being together.

I notice that of late M spends a lot of time fiddling with his beri beri and the laptop. I wonder who his cyber friends are. Apparently, they are not experiencing any communication breakdown.



Hi dear,

C actually asked for my forgiveness for having some kind of "thoughts" about me before. He refused to tell me more. What could it be, I just wonder.

Anyway, I stumbled on some quotes while bloghopping today. Could they have any similarities to the kind of thoughts C had on me?

Hmmm...Read on...

If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?

History tells me that i'll keep wanking over the image of her regardless. i'm saying - someone you secretly lust for, AND someone else's property! = super wendy whopper turn on!
if you're talking bout love though, mm ,err hrgmh, frk, i'll still stick to the wanking. crying while fapping away might not be the most romantic thing ever, but it sure is close.


C dear, I forgive you, regardless...hmmm


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Hi dear

Welcome aboard. Pour your heart out.