Tuesday, December 29, 2009

C. Hi dear, just teringat kat u.I'm in your hometown, ###M miss u. Spider: Hmm..enjoy your stay there. Miss u dearly.

Thursday, December 24, 2009


my relationship with fmc is not improving. infact it getting from bad to worse. deteriorating everyday. he is doing his things and i'm doing mine. just wait and see where do we get from here.

Friday, December 4, 2009

miss u miss me

spider: hi dear, how r u?

c: hi yang, kind of ok. tired a bit.
didn't feel so good for the last few days. cause of flu.
how r u?
miss u, though.

spider: hmm...im good.
i just got back frm kajang. teringat u.
tak sihat la tu,
take it easy and take care dear.
i miss u.

c: wish to c u just now. im at sg besi army camp.
miss u too, dear

Monday, November 30, 2009

just make do, make it work with whatever we have or dont have
marriage without its ups and downs tak best jugak
whatever u decided the...dumping me..
we have to work with it
so redha,
plan the work and work the plan

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


sayang sayang sayang

i particularly like that song.
i call my children sayang.
sometimes i accidently call fmc sayang,
well, out of habit

fmc calls me by my fullname.
he always makes a point to make sure it comes out harsh.
infact, whenever he speaks to me, the words come out like that.
by stressing on certain syllables
he tries hard to ensure that too.

somebody else's husband calls me sayang
somebody else'd hubby calls me my dear
somebody else's calls me love

that is rather sad

personally, i like being called sayang,

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Blogging via BB

I finally know how to blog via bb. At last, after fiddling with the device for months. Hmm...what to do. I'm a slow learner.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


chicago: hi dear, just thinking of u right now.

spider: hi, selalu teringat kat u, dear. I'm in xx now. Otw to the airport nak balik. miss u

chicago: tks dear, be safe. miss u, too

blink blink

At the airport. My problems are following me wherever I go. The blinking on my handheld device sends shivers down my spine. Sigh sigh

Sunday, October 18, 2009

hmm...sape ni?

C: hi dear. sorry it has been a while. miss u.

spider: hmm...sape ni?

c: dah buang phone no? cepatnya. i will always remember u.
that is a promise.

spider: had to do somthing mean after u ignored my raya msg.
so, i deleted your number again ;))

c: i'm so sorry abt that. didn't mean to ignore your sms.
so sorry dear.
jgn buang this no please.

spider: dah hafal pun, my dear.
what to do, u mmg mcm tu...miss u

c: tq for memorizing my no.
i will always keep yours.
hope to see you soon.

spider: same here. soon enough.

oct 9 - 10, 2009

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


lamanye tak update blog. ini semua pasal sibuk facebooking le..and of course lately i have been very busy. i mean really crazy busy doing things that i hate..uurghh

i. deleted c's number from my bb's contact list..it feels good
ii. haven't heard from c since forever ( he didn't reply my raya wish )
iii. just thinking about him makes my eyes watery.
iv. yes, he still has that effect on me.

v. FMC is still ignoring me.
vi. my kid is sitting for an important exam..

gotta stop here.

Sunday, September 6, 2009


a close relative invited the family for berbuka. it was lovely. we stayed over until after solat tarawih. fmc went home dulu, right after solat maghrib leaving the children and i behind. the relative sent us home later.

hmm...fmc is ignoring me again. he avoids talking to me and doesn't answer my questions. i wonder what triggers the act this time. after almost a week, it is still a mystery to me. just let it be.


wow...lama sungguh tak dengar berita dari C. i miss him but i do feel it is best to keep our silence. he is going through a rough patch in his life. let him sort out his problem. he doesn't need an old flame to breathe down his neck. though deep down in my heart i wish he would talk to me about it. i want to be there for him. hmm... let the wife be there for him ;)))


matp and i communicate regularly via bb msgr. he is leading a comfortable life. he also admits that he still cares about me and misses me. well, what can i say except that i'm unforgetable! hehe i can't really blame him as we spent almost 5 years as a couple. it is good to know that there is somebody out there who i can count on. as he is a very smart person i always find him to be a good reference point. huh see i'm using him again...


i have been busy catching up with old friends from school. the facebooking and blackberrying activities consume a lot of my time. ini tak boleh jadi. sudah-sudah le tu...

Saturday, September 5, 2009

fickle minded??

i made a very costly mistake recently. very costly indeed. nevertheless, i am sleeping better at night. No more sleepless nights.

i appreciate things around me more. i am very thankful with what i have specifically with the house i live in. the fact that it is facing the playground with ample parking spaces along the road side. It nestles in a very nice neighbourhood, too.

fickle minded person?? it's me alright. i'm actually known for that. i changed my mind again and it cost me dearly. enough to buy a brand new vios in cash.

what the heck. it is only money...it it can buy you some peace of mind, why not???

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I feel good

I am away again.

I am enjoying it too.

The relationship with people close to me is also improving.

Life is good.

I feel good.

I feel good

I'm away again. This time it is not so long. I'm actually enjoying myself too.

Life is actually getting better for me. The relationship with people around me is improving.

I feel good.

Saturday, July 25, 2009


Spider: Hi again. Teringat kat you. Have a nice weekend.

C: Hi dear. Always teringat kat u 2. Miss u, sayang.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

miss you

been away and now back home again.


it's been a year since the first time we touched base again.

i miss you, dear.

Saturday, July 4, 2009


You disappoint me.

You let me down.

Saturday, June 27, 2009


I woke up this morning with a very strong urge to eat nasi lemak and sambal ikan bilis petai. FMC took the children out for breakfast. I stayed behind coz I was busy cleaning the house. Anyway I told my kid to buy me nasi lemak and sambal ikan bilis petai.

They came back with nasi lemas ikan bilis sans petai. My daughter told me that the father took them to a different kedai which did not have petai. How disappointing...

Anyway, I should have known better.

Tomorrow is Sunday. As alway FMC will only buy NST though he knows that I always want to read MM. Yes, my Sundays won't be complete without reading MM. I will be restless. I love reading the gossip section and the DCCK column. The berpuluh tahun I ikut. Dari zaman anak dara sampai jadi mak budak.

Everyweek I have to go out and buy MM myself. Absurd. Kan boleh beli sekali.

Little things like these bring tears to my eyes.
Sakit hati.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Penyakit Mute

Yes, it's back. Penyakit mute datang balik. FMC (father of my children) is giving me the silent treatment for no apparent reason (at least to me)

My brother invited the family for doa selamat at his place.

We arrived there after Maghrib and joined the doa selamat. Then makan time (ada bubur kacang durian for dessert - yummy) I had a good time catching up the latest gossips with my relatives. The children were having a good time playing and eating and eating. All in all, everybody was enjoying themselves.

Then FMC decided that it was time to go back. It wasn't not even 10 pm. Around 9.30 aje. My elder sister's family were still on their way (still asking for direction).

Yes, we were the first guests to leave much to the dissappointment of everybody. Macamlah jauh sangat rumah. Bukan selalu dapat jumpa adik beradik dan saudara mara berkumpulkan. FMC claimed that he had a lot of things to do. In the the car, I made a remark should better be left unsaid. "Kesian .... kita balik cepat sangat, tak puas bersembang. Tak sempat jumpa ..."

FMC took it personally.

Upon reaching home, he quickly switched on his laptop and started fiddling with it...as if to make a point. Yeah he's very busy...

I started fidlling with mine.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


I am really pissed off with C. Really mad. Fuming. Berasap...

Yelah, if he doesnt want to reply to my mail, at least send me sms from time to time. Ini langsung senyap sunyi. Tiada sebarang bunyi-bunyian. Ini sudah lebih. He is really trying my patience. Takkan itupun I nak ajar.

Ok you asked for it my dear. I swear I won't contact you ever unless you give me valid reason to do otherwise.

In the meantime MatP tak berhenti-henti contact me, hari-hari without fail. It is kind of nice...

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Thin air

Yes, C finally replied to my mail. At last...
When mood saya pun dah terbang.

I will just keep still and stay put.
Nak buat tak tau aje...
Tak mau hantar email, sms or call.
If he misses me, pandai le dia cari saya kat mana.

Kalau tak tau nak cari, I'll dissappear into the thin air.
Out of his life for good.


I am very disappointed that C have not replied to my mail. I know that C is not into writing. He prefers to talk to me and to see me in person. He told me so. He also promised that he would try his best to write. For my sake...

I, on the other hand, love writing and love getting mails from him. It is the only way that I can feel that I have him close to me.

We had shared our secrets and fantasies. We poured our hearts out. But now, he just stopped writing. I am so pissed off especially after he promised to write when we talked last Friday.

I won't write to him. I won't text or call him.
I am erasing you from my memory bank.

C, I am angry at you.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Cold Feet

spider: Hi sorry, cant make it today.
Can I have a rain check?

C: It's ok. It isn't cold feet, is it?

spider: I have a meeting that I can't miss,
so I have to miss you, instead...

C: Ok yang, we meet some other time, then.

Yes, we made arrangement to meet yesterday. The meet did not materialize.
Anyway, I called C and we talked for a while. As always I enjoyed talking
to him. How I wish things are much simpler....

By the way, it was the first time he used the word "yang" in his sms.
He always ends our tele conversation with "bye my dear".

Thursday, May 14, 2009


I have not been blogging for quite sometime. C and I are communicating daily by email. Rajin pulak mamat tu menulis. He is officially my confidant and I am offically his confidante. Nice. That means we can tell each other anything that we wish.

Itulah yang terjadi. C had been sharing his fantasies about me since schooldays. Very interesting.

I can never look at him the same way again.

Thursday, May 7, 2009


spider: Nice talking to u tadi. Miss u very much.
Sayang, I hope I can see u real soon...rindu

c: Tks for the surprise call.
Really make my day.
Miss u too, sayang

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Not Again

FMC has not been speaking to me since the incident on Sunday. Letih betul macam ni. I better start looking for a new house to buy. I just sold my own house last year and now I am basically menumpang duduk kat his house. Sad kan. I have the feelings that anytime now I can be thrown out of the house.

I pun dah malas nak cerita sebab memang tak ada isu besar pun. Diam aje lah. Tunggu..

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


This conversation took place at the back seat of a car.

Mom: Twin1, do you love Twin2?

Twin1: Nope, I don't love her.

Mom: Twin2, do you love Twin1?

Twin2: No, I hate her!!!<(Screaming on top of her lung)

Twin1&Twin2: Ha..ha..ha..kah..kah...kah...

The reality is they love each other to bits.
And that is really very sweet.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Bedah The Plumber

A close friend, Bedah told me that the hubby is now jobless. He could not manage work pressure and tendered his resignation last month. As simple as that.

Bedah is furious. She felt betrayed by the hubby. She is now the sole breadwinner.
With the current economic climate, finding another job is not going to be easy.

Bedah also told me that over the weekend she had successfully fixed a water leakage (dekat water tank - atas ceiling) problem at home with the help of his son. The hubby did nothing to help.

Before that, the glass of the sliding door broke. Bedah berada di luar daerah kerana bekerja. The hubby did nothing the whole week. He waited for the wife to come back. When Bedah got home, she found a contractor to fix the problem.

I never have that kind of problem with FMC. He is terribly good in that department. He ensures that the home is safe and comfortable for the family. He gets pissed off if somebody leaves the door open or forgets to lock the gate. He will be the plumber when there is any leakage and changes the bulb whenever the needs arise.

He is definitely very protective of his children.

Ran Wild

This morning, I went to this new kopitiam near my office with my friend, Z.
The one who is having the cyber affair I wrote about before...

We both have been terribly busy that we did not have time to catch up with each other for months. So I asked her about her latest development over our Iced Ipoh White coffee.

Apparently, the "affair" has cool down a bit since her husband is back from abroad early this year.

Z also confided that she actually did something terribly stupid during their marathon telephone conversation and webcamming session which took place in her bedroom late at night.

"How stupid?, I asked.

"You don't want to know!", she answered.

Hmm, I let my imagination ran wild for sometime...

Friday, April 3, 2009


C called me yesterday. I didn't expect to hear from him so soon.

I told him about the message from the misterious sender. He was quite concerned.
He felt responsible for getting me in "trouble". I told him not to worry.

There are still a lot of questions I want to ask C. Particularly on the wife.
I am very curious about her. I bet she must be somebody special for C to fall for her and let her be the mother of his children. Hmm....

As for me, whenever C wanted to know about FMC, I quickly put a stop to the question. He..he

Then, we talked about the next meet.

C: When can I see you again?

spider: Not so soon. Let's do it quarterly...

C: Nay, you mean I can only see you in June?

spider: Yeah. End of June.

C: Wow, that's like 3 months away, dear...

spider: Tak pe lah...

The truth to the matter is I want to see you everyday.
Only, that is not quite possible.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Sape pulak ni???

Hi dear,
So we finally got to meet. Tak sangka pula boleh jadi...
I really appreciate you taking the trouble to come over to S9 to see me.

It was really nice talking to you and indeed time flew rather quickly.
Ada banyak benda nak tanya, tapi tak keluar. Biasa la.
Maybe the next time we meet (ada ke next time? ),
we can ajak AB or even BN/HD to join us.

I managed to pick up my kids on time, so no long faces from them.
I hope you reached home safe and sound considering it rained heavily.

I am not quite sure if this mail will find its way to you.
I just wanna wish you all the best and I doakan yang bagus-bagus untuk u.

Remember me sometimes...
Bye dear.


My dear spider,

It was great meeting you that day.
I'm pretty sure that there will be a next time.
I'll make sure of that if you don't mind.

You know what, I have the same problem that day,
that I kind of tongue tied. But I really appreciate the pictures.
Finally I got to see them but I wish there were more.

Thank you for the doa2 from you.

I will always remember you. I'll call or email you from my new email address from time to time. Wish I could take you for lunch at XXX tu. They serve makanan pedas2.

Bye my dear spider.


I also got a disturbing text message from a misterious sender.

Aiyoo, pegi dating tak ajak kita je..Bbye

I tried calling the number, but nobody answered.

Sape pulak ni???

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Blogging Incognito?

Since I was small, I used to keep journals/diaries and scrapbooks. I would cut newspapers/magazines clippings of interesting events/people and pasted them in my scrapbooks together with short write ups. I also had a little black book where I wrote about my crushes, my headaches, my frustration. my anger.

I still keep some of the books and read them from time to time. They are like a time machine which transports me back to the bygone era.

I do wish I had written more, though...

Today, I blog incognito. Still, as an outlet to vent out my misery and share my excitement. Writing them down, solidifies the moments and helps to declutter my thoughts.

Keep me sane.

I can go back and revisit those moments whenever I feel like doing so in my own secret hideout.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Nice Tea

I met C yesterday when he came over to my town to see me. He called the day before and he asked me if it was alright for us to meet. The last time we met was in August 08.

I just had my lunch at home so I was rather full. We both ordered iced tea. The meet this time was more relaxed compared to the one before. We catched up on the latest happenings (politics included) and of course revisited our past together.

We met in the open...a nice kedai mamak and of course the chances of bumping into mutual acquaintances of FMC and I were very high. But I prefer it like that rather than meeting C in a cosy, posh and secluded cafe. Actually, I told FMC that I was meeting an old friend.

And meet went really well. I enjoyed our conversation and I thought C had a good time too. He finished 4 sticks of cigs during the whole conversation.

By the time we decided to leave, it was already pouring cats and dogs outside. We walked together to the AutoPay Station. Hmm...I couldn't believe how much I enjoyed walking beside him.

I had butterflies in my stomach before meeting him, during the whole event and also after it was over.

The butterflies are still having a rowdy party inside my tummy.

Thursday, March 26, 2009


FMC went out to picked up the girls. Then I sent him a text message asking him to buy something. Khilaf besar saya. I should have known better after all this while...

FMC marah-marah sebab masa dia di rumah, I tak bercakap. After he left, baru nak pesan-pesan.

The truth is, tadi saya tak ingat. Lepas tu baru teringat. Nak buat macamana?
Sabar aje spider.

Dah tua-tua masih kena marah. Kurang sesuai. Bila dikenangkan. bila dah kawin ni baru saya selalu kena marah. Masa kecik, jarang kena marah. Masuk asrama pun tak ada. Pi sambung belajar, lagi le tak ada sape nak marah. Kat tempat kerja pun tak de kena marah.

Itulah, sebabnya dah tak kuasa nak bercakap.
Banyak mendatangkan mudharat dari munafaat.

Meamang ada masanya saya buat silap. Tapi tak berpadan dengan dengan kemarahan yang diterima. Ibarat budak sekolah tertinggal buku, kena public caning.

Tapi bila kurang bercakap, pun kena marah juga.

Itu sebab hati saya sudah jauh. Jauh sangat sampai tak jumpa dah...

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


Hi dear,
It's been ages since the last time I sent you e-mail.
If you are leaving XXX,
I guess I won't be able to contact you using this email add.
I might as well write to you now while I still can.

I'm quite sad, actually.
We had shared our old dark secrets "here"

I don't know what they did to you.
To me, they definitely shed some lights on what happenned before
added some vibrant colours into my otherwise mundane life!

So, do keep in touch. Sometimes. Promise me that.
You know where to find me.
It is always nice to hear from an old friend...kan?

Bye C.

p/s Saya berbalas text messages with BN, last week.
I assume he got my number from u...

Hi dear,
It's been a while since we've been communicating with emails.
I'll probably will be using a different email address once I keluar from the XXX. I'll email you my new address once I dapat nanti.

I've lost you once. It will never happen again. That I promise you.

Ps hopefully BN did not ask you macam2 that made you uncomfortable.

Bye dear.

Saturday, March 21, 2009


C called me on my hp last friday. It's been a while since the last time we spoke to each other. More than a month. In between, C had tried calling me at the office a number of times. Tapi, I mana ada kat office.

It is very nice to be able to have a decent conversation again. Cuma masa tu, I was on leave. The children and I were having our tea at a nice restaurant near my house. Jadi, I had to keep the conversation short. Elok juga...

I care deeply for C. Yelah, "kawan" lama.
That was then, this is now.
What could have been will always be what could have been.
We both have our lives......

Cuma, sekali sekala syaitan mengganggu...

Shooh...Pegi jauh-jauh

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Here we go again..

The trip started real well. The hotel that we were staying in was really nice. The children enjoyed the pool and their buffet breakfast.

Unfortunately, FMC decided to spoil it all.

He was in a foul mood last night. The family had earlier planned to have a seafood dinner last night. I yang nak belanja. Masaalahnya, I didn’t have enough cash with me. Nothing new there. My LV purse cost more that 2K but it seldom has more that RM20 in it! Ha..ha..

Kena cari ATM dulu. Since FMC was not familiar with the place he had trouble looking for it. When we found one, it was quite a distance away. He asked me to walk there which I refused. I was expecting him to actually drive nearer or find another ATM. Apalah susah sangat.

I did not expect him to blow his top off. I don’t want to share the details of that too but believe me it was horrible. He then asked my daughter to remind him not to follow me to any of my outstation trips in the future(like I never heard that before..)

FMC decided to cancel the dinner plan and took us back to the hotel. He went up to the hotel room to sulk.

Since everybody was hungry, I took the children to the mall across the hotel.(FMC kata “pegi laa..”) Ada ATM. I withdrew my money and bought Crocs sandals for the young ones. Then, we had our dinner at one of the fast food restaurants. Everybody was still confused about what happened.

I, myself wonder what the big sin that I had committed. Then, I decided not to worry too much about it and just enjoy the company of my children. Afterall, I didn’t think I committed any crime.

We went back to the hotel room. FMC dah cool down and acted like nothing happened.
Hmm…The silent treatment starts again…

Monday, March 16, 2009


Hi..hi spider

Hmm..you know why I called.

I'll try to call you back later.

Thank you.


Friday, March 13, 2009

I am home

I am dead tired but I somehow I have problem going to sleep. I just got home from KK and it is really good to be back again. So, here I am slouching on the couch and watching repeat of Desperate Housewives. Not really in the mood to write, though...

The girls and FMC were still awake when I reached home just now. FMC sempat komplen pasal my son who is still busy with his co curriculum activities despite having to sit for a major exam soon. And of course he put the blame on me for allowing that to happen.

Actually, I have given my son till the end of the month to wrap up all his activities. After that, he has to give 100% to his studies. FMC tak setuju...so I just listened to what he had to say.

Apa lagi nak buat...

Monday, March 9, 2009

Postman Pat

My son used to love watching this cartoon series.
He collected a lot of Postman Pat memorabillia too.
He even wore Postman Pat underware.

Now he is all grown up with raging hormones.
Whenever I hear this song, it reminds me of our good old days...

Postman Pat. Postman Pat.
Postman Pat and his black and white cat.
Early in the morning, just as day is dawning,
he picks up all the post bags in his van.

Postman Pat. Postman Pat.
Postman Pat and his black and white cat.
All the birds are singing, and the day is just beginning.
Pat feels he's a really happy man.

Everybody knows his bright red van,
all his friends will smile as he waves to greet them,
Maybe, you can never be sure, there'll be knock (knock knock)
Ring (ring ring). Letters through your door. (Hee Hee).

Postman Pat. Postman Pat.
Postman Pat and his black and white cat.
All the birds are singing, and the day is just beginning.
Pat feels he's a really happy man.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Better person, maybe...

I have been really busy lately. Running here and there. Ke Utara, Selatan, Timur dan Barat. Office pun dah lama tak jenguk. Sampai bila agaknya nak hidup macam ni...

Bila sampai kat rumah, I just want to put my feet up and mula le buat appointment dengan tukang urut...Ingatkan zaman meleset ni, job kurang. Lain pulak jadinya..

I am really thankful that I still have my job...Alhamdulillah.

I cannot imagine a life without my own income. Having to ask from FMC for spending money. Urghh...

Come to think about it, maybe I will be a better person. More humble, perhaps...

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Once upon a time - Part 1

I was sent to an all girls' boarding school at the tender age of 13. I was miserable initially. I cried almost every night before I went to sleep. I cried while taking my shower. I cried during prep time. Basically, I cried all the time. Memang saya ni ratu menangis.

However after making some good friends, things turned for the better. I enjoyed myself tremendously in the company of my friends. The fact that there was not a single boy around did not affect our life at all.

I secured a full scholarship to pursue EE abroad right after SPM before the result came out. That was when I met C.

We were in the same preparation group. When I first saw him, I thought he was rather cute. Fair and just lovely. Since our group was small, we spent a lot of time together. I sat infront of him in class. Instead of studying, we would bersembang and bersembang. I really enjoyed talking to him.

He was a city boy and from a well to do family. I, on the other hand was from the kampung (ulu) and from a poor family. I felt that he was out of my league. To make the matter worse, the was an uptown girl who liked him and gave the impression to the rest that they were an item. I backed off and focused my attention to C's friend instead, Is.

Man was a shy boy. Despite the many signal I sent him, he simply ignored me. However, we finally hit it off when we were abroad. We maintainted a long distance relationship for slightly more than a year. It was a turbulance relationship. Both of us were young and I ni jenis yang kuat merajuk. Man pulak bukan dari jenis yang pandai melayan. Communication those days was not like what it is today.

In the end, I got close to another guy MatP. He helped me a lot. The fact that he was so pandai also helped. Infact, I was amazed at how smart he was. My relationship with Man deteriorated. Only after MatP went home did we rekindle our friendship.

I went home after graduation. MatP was waiting for me. He had a good job with an international o & g company. Again he helped me; giving me pocket money, ferrying me to interviews, helping me with me resumes, showering me with his attention and expensive gifts too. Once I secured a job in the city, he was also my dutiful "driver".

Yes, the arrangement was so convenient.

Yes, I was using him...

I totally lost contact with both C and Is.

To make a long story short ( I nak tidur ni), MatP and I finally got engaged before I met another guy (the father of my children-FMC) at work. I decided that I wanted to be married to FMC instead of MatP. I called off the engagement and got what I wanted at that time.

Bak kata Hamka,

"Perkahwinan adalah melangkah keluar dari mimpi indah waktu bercinta"
or something to that effect.

What goes around comes around. Hukum karma.


Itule kisah nye. Nanti kami sambung lain kali...

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


I am away again. I really need this break. I find solace in my own company.

To my surprise the hubby was rather nice to me just now. He gave me some advice on safe driving and reminded me to use the steering lock when I park my car at the hotel. I just listened attentively. He even helped put my luggage in the car.

I took the opportunity to seek his forgiveness and blessing since I would be travelling quite a distance this time. Takut beb...kalau ada apa-apa nanti. I am still his lawful wedded wife. Syurga I di bawah tapak kakinya...whether I like it or not. He is that powerful! I made that choice long time ago. There are too many things at stake if I consider pushing the "undo" button now.

His mood swings indicate that he is under a lot of stress too. He is taking it on the people close to him.

Deep down in my heart I know that he is a good man. And I consider myself a good person too..or rather I try to be one. But then maybe two good people together do not always make a good couple. We always rub each other the wrong way.

I don't know how long the good terms between us will last this time.

I am exhausted already.

Sunday, February 8, 2009


The weekend had started really well. I baked a nice cheese cake with my daughters and everybody just loved it. We went out to have our breakfast this morning. Semua OK.

However, when the father of my children came back later in the afternoon, he was fuming with anger. The reason, the children spent too much time infront of the TV/ computer/ playing and not enough time revising their school work. I couldn't agree more with him. But the part that I don't like was when he likened the stubborn attitude of my boy to his (my boy's)mother...yours truly.

Saturday, February 7, 2009


I managed to talk to C at last. Apparently, he called my office while I was away.

As usual, we talked about work, the chldren, mutual friends etc. We avoid talking about our spouses as usual. I am actually very curious about his better half. C told me before that they met in the States. At that time, he thought I was off limits already. Kisah lama. Fate...

Friday, January 30, 2009

Missed Call

I have 4 hours to kill before my flight back home. I am just to tired to roam around town. So here I am, sitting in a corner of the airport with my laptop listening to the tamil news on the TV.

Finally, C called me on my mobile this afternoon. Too bad I missed the call as I was in the midst of a discussion with my client. He didn't call back and I didn't return the call.

Come to think about it, the situation we are in is quite absurd. I never thought I would go through this phase again.

Where are you, dear?

Hmm,yes exactly that. Where are you, my dear? It's been almost two months since we last talked. In between, a lot of events happened. I took a long leave at the end of the year and since the beginning of 2009 I have been running around the country like mad. Work wise, that is.

Actually, I got the message that C called my office while I was away. I restrain myself from returning the calls, smsing or emailing him. I just secretly hope that I'll be in one day to pick up his call and we can start talking again.

I still miss talking to him but somehow it is becoming more bearable now. We had earlier made plan to meet up before end of last year. Apparently, it did not materialize.

I just wait and see what will happen to our friendship this year. In the meantime, I wish him well and will think about him from time to time.

I miss you, dear.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Try sleeping with one

I'm away again. The hotel is nice and conveniently located. The only setback is I have to go the lobby to have access to the internet. So, here I am alone in the lobby updating my blog. Well, I am not totally alone. I am accompanied by seekor nyamuk yang dari tadi mengganggu saya. Menggigit kaki sehingga gatal. I have been trying to bunuh the nyamuk but all in vain. It is really getting on my nerves. I cannot think about anything else but to keep alert all the time. Just waiting for the right moment to strike.

Who says that you are too small to make a difference? The mosquito does it all the time...Try sleeping with one...It is not really my quote. Anita Roddick-Body Shop said it. Got it... dah penyet pun nyamuk tu..yeah! Seekor lagi pula datang..
I cannot stand this anymore. I better go upstairs before I become another statistic in dengue.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

He did it again..

Hmm,the man I am married to just told that I had to go for my treatment on my own tomorrow. Well, he had earlier agreed to send and pick me up since I am not allowed to drive after the treatment.

I am not surprised but still very much pissed off. This is not the first time he's doing this to me. Only I should have known better. Now, it's too late to ask the favour from any of my friends or my sis. Terpaksa naik cab and since the center is quite a distance away, it will be a costly journey to and fro.

People close to you will always let you down one time or another. So I always remind myself to rely only on "me"...

Saturday, January 10, 2009


In case you are wondering, the hubby is finally talking to me. However, the silent treatment went on for more than a week. I felt bad but not very bad...

He helped me with my luggage when the cab driver came to drive me to the airport. He gave me some money when I took the kids out for a nice treat.

I still minimize the conversation with him in the effort not to push the wrong button. Is there still light at the end of the dark long tunnel?